I LOVE reading the wrongly worded versions of common sayings people post on the internet. I just saw a guy comment, “Don’t look a gifted horse in the mouth.” In what way is the horse gifted? With an extra shiny coat? With impressive speed? As a piano virtuoso?
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GYM TIP: Work out smart, not hard!
A lot of people at the gym go and lift the big weights. But actually, the small weights are lighter and much easier to lift.
Blue cheese dressing makes anything a salad. For example, this french fry salad I’m eating right now
I’ve lost count of how many times in the past week I looked at my inbox and said, “How the hell did I get on this mailing list?” And “What could the CEO of Spanx possibly have to tell me about the coronavirus?”
Parents. Top tip for getting to school on time. Go without them.
Hide all your naughty entertainment on VHS. Even if your kids find it, they will not know what to do with it.
Boy, are you a destination wedding? Cuz I can’t come.
Me as a teen: Only 150 hours?
Me as an adult: I will literally pay you more money to make this game shorter
It’s getting close to resolution time so I’m stockpiling now
When I was kid the internet was called Encyclopedia Britannica
*tries to quietly check the football score during a home invasion
My husband left me on read and it’s been 22 minutes.
If he wanted a divorce he could have just asked me like a rational human being.
therapist: what do you see
me: Snoopy
therapist: this one?
me: Charlie Brown trying to kick a football
therapist: I see. and now?
me: Lucy moved the ball
therapist: wtf this is the wrong book
Birds do it/Bees do it/Even educated fleas do it/Let’s do it/Let’s make people super nervous anytime we’re in their personal space
Me: When I was lying in bed, I found this huge lump. I need it removed.
Doctor: Ma’am, that’s your husband.
Me: And your point is…?
When I put my mind to something I can procrastinate about anything.
PATIENT: i just feel like something is missing from my life
THERAPIST: [is a cat] have you tried biting plastic
*approaches pond*
*water recedes*
*turns away*
*water returns*
What the ??
*approaches pond*
*water recedes*
Oh, I see. This is a coy pond.
There is no bigger warning of their behavior than my wife calling them, “your kids.”
[hot air balloon ride]
DAD: *kicks basket* how many miles you get in this thing?
Nice try Hitler
[speaking at an AA meeting]
Me: You’ll find the transition from hard liquor to hard drugs expensive, but very rewarding
*everyone cheers*
[crime show]
DETECTIVE: It looks like the guy that inserts dramatic music into our show has been..*Flintstones theme song plays*
Murdered
“Cantaloupe? Or WON’Taloupe?” *SPLAT* Next week on MELON JUSTICE!
Shout out to my drug dealer Jamal, he’s taught me more about the metric system than any of my teachers ever did.
My neighbour won’t make eye contact with me ever since I mistook her for my Uber when she stopped at the mailbox in front of my house
(sitting in back seat, locking eyes with the kid in the child seat) “Huh. I didn’t know drivers could bring their kids”
🎶 It’s raining yen. Hallelujah, it’s raining yen
– Winners of the Japanese lottery, probably
Wanna terrify a homeless dude? Dress as a grocery store clerk and pretend to scan all the stuff in his shopping cart
I asked my husband to play bagpipes at my funeral so I can be happy that I’m dead.
Don’t regret past mistakes. All of your decisions, good and bad, led you to where you are today.
Disregard this if you are in prison.
This bicyclist in front of me sure dresses like he could be pedaling faster.