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“Crocodile after awhile.” – Yoda
Me: “That meeting could just be an email…”
Also me: a person that regularly ignores emails
Homeschooling isn’t going great but at least my son has learned the skill of hiding in the bathroom in case he has kids one day
[first day as Uber driver]
Me: any song requests?
Passenger: no thanks
Me: *tuning guitar* you sure?
Sure visiting family can be hard but it’s also the most efficient way to explain to your partner why you are the way you are
inside you there are two wolves. one snores like “honk shoo honk shoo honk shoo.” the other one snores like “hooooonk mi mi mi”
Someone accused me of spending too much time on the Internet. I don’t know what to say. I am so full of emoticons right now.
I will not kill my coworkers
I will not kill my coworkers
I will not….Maybe just one…
Wish I had a friend named Keith who was good at fighting just so I could call him a keithal weapon.
Kids have so many food allergies these days.
In 15 years you’ll be able to rob a bank with a bag of peanuts.
My eldest is at the age where she’s starting to ask questions. Tonight she started asking about Father Christmas. My wife calmly took her to another room to answer, leaving me with her younger siblings. We couldn’t hear so I still don’t know what’s up. Hope Santa is OK
Hot Pockets- Now with 5 cheese!
Me- *adding both nacho and spray cheese* Amateurs
Advice for life:
1. Be kind.
2. Be brave.
3. Make sure your garage door is all the way up before backing out.
Shit, I missed Jesus’s birthday, didn’t I?
After 17 years I can say with authority that the key to a long marriage is being too lazy to get up off the couch and set your spouse on fire
2024 is gonna be better i can feel it in my bones nope that’s the osteoporosis nvm 😭
I don’t want to sound alarmist, but EEEEOOOO EEEEOOOO ANK ANK ANK ANK WOO-OOP WOO-OOP WOO-OOP
The girl who once told me “If I’m not married by the time I’m 30, kill me” got married recently at 29 and WHEW is that a load off my mind
[sees a woman eating pizza on the hiking trail]
Me: hi I think we were separated at birth
Everybody complaining about how old Biden is, but not ONE person suggesting a viable plan to make him younger. Smh
Magician: Abracadabra!
[cloud of smoke as woman volunteer disappears]
Husband (stands up): YES! …I mean, noooo. *quietly sits down*
Jesus: Listen guys, why has someone written ‘nail appointment’ in my diary?
Judas: No idea, J. No idea.
I love getting cute morning texts like “your order has shipped”.
I’m a really great friend – provided you don’t have any other friends to compare me with and never listen to my advice.
Eat food with the fridge open in front of the other food to establish dominance as well as prepare for the next feeding.
When my wife packs for a trip she basically moves out.
Going to the beach the day after watching Jaws hits different.
*taps on a super old dude’s oxygen tank* you know that you can get this stuff for free right
what scared me at age 8:
-quicksand
-snakes
-boat scene from willy wonkawhat scares me now:
-dying alone
-boat scene from willy wonka
Walking around naked is a great motivator to get back to the gym