her: well don’t just stand there, say something
me: they should make paintbrushes that look like bob ross
her: i said i’m pregnant matt
me: his hair could be the brush part
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found out about a magic tournement where a guy on shrooms won the whole thing and can’t get over this pic they took of the top 8
Nike is coming out with a line
of Air Brady football shoes.They have a built in suspension feature.
You just have to let some air out.
Mom Math:
If Child A has 2 scoops of ice cream in his bowl, and child B has 1 3/4 scoops, how many days will Mom have to hear about it?
GUY VISITING FROM THE SUN: This weather isn’t hot
How do you know when your pen has run out of invisible ink?
Old joke:
Guy checks in at the airport and says: “I want this bag to go to Cleveland, this bag to go to Miami, and this bag to go to Las Vegas.”
Employee: “We can’t do that sir.”
Customer: “You did it last year.”
JOKER: Why so serious
ME: Have you seen the news?
JOKER: Ok fair
I’m really enjoying this drive through the desert. There’s so much to see. Cacti, rocky plateaus, rolling vistas, the occasional coyote on roller skates with a giant magnet on his back, tumbleweeds.
When someone starts a Facebook post with “there are no words…” You better get prepared because you’re about to read a lot of words.
Assert dominance at IKEA by walking around wearing a tool belt with every size Allen wrench hanging from it and telling everyone you see to stand back
“just great, I’ve lost my house my wife is leaving and my kids hate me how can this day get any worse”
-A dinosaur, 66 million years ago
most embarrassing email exchange I ever had:
– Sent an email
– They replied & called me “Mautice”
– I reply with a stink about how my name is properly spelled and that it’s actually really important to me
– They told me to check my 1st email
– I had misspelled my own name
HER: do u have a condom
ME: u bet [whistles]
[an eagle flies thru the window & drops off a cat]
H: holy shit
M: ya sometimes he brings cats
It’s never Hey Josh, you look great in orange; it’s always Hey Josh, I’m Daryl your court appointed attorney
My chihuahua’s basically a tiny cartel kingpin who’s scared of the rain.
If you come across a bear in the woods, it’s best to just wipe it off and apologize.
Cats. Honed by centuries of evolution into efficient, remorseless hunters. Also:
*weird horror movie sounds*
me: it’s okay, it was just the cat
cat: ah hell nah
me: what?
demon: meow?
When my large dog wants to sit beside me but my other slightly less large dog already is, he just sits on top of him
clark kent’s honeymoon starts on a down note
bottle cap guy is just phoning it in at this point
Her: I want you to dress up as your biggest fear this year.
Me: Ok, but how do I make a costume out of you finding my unlocked phone?
If your kids are getting on your nerves you can take them sledding and watch them face plant into the snow for a sense of justice.
Do dolphins have tattoos of single mothers on their arses?
Me rushing back from the bathroom at 3 am so I dont lose any tiredness
Someone asked who sang Johnny B Goode, and I said Marty McFly because I’m not an idiot and I know how time travel works.
Driving with my son in the car, I’m singing at the top of my lungs.
He looks over at the lady next to us at the stoplight, rolls down his window & yells, “WILL YOU BE MY MOM?”
I’m a little offended but fingers crossed!
Someone just called my phone, sneezed and then hung up.
I’m getting sick and tired of these cold calls.