[second date]
“April Fools”
*gets up and leaves
You Might Also Like
I fed the neighborhood cat cheaper cat treats and now she’s meowing Sarah McLachlan songs in my back yard.
Benjamin Button
Started off dead
Violets are blue
Roses are red
Started raining WHILE I was in the car wash. Like..
Evidence that I have the right to be silent and get drunk at 8:17am:
Kids are painting the dog in the living room.
I could never be an Olympic sprinter because I couldn’t go 10 seconds without checking my phone.
i imagine the people who slaved for years perfecting the google search algorithm would be so mad knowing i mainly use it now for spellcheck
I was in a serious relationship once. We never even smiled.
Save money this Halloween by utilizing last years’ hobo costume to dress up as this year’s federal employee.
HOT LOCAL SINGLES IN YOUR AREA WANT YOUR CREDIT CARD NUMBER.
I sure wish my boss would accept that “new challenges” are never going to excite me. Like I majored in English solely because I already knew how to speak it
Don’t call me “Dad”, please call me by my professional title, “Half-Eaten Food Connoisseur Broken Toy Engineer Butt-Wipeologist”.
Women aren’t that complicated. They just want an honest and genuine guy who will give them insincere compliments they might not deserve.
If any of my neighbors end up being serial killers, I can tell you one thing for sure: When I’m interviewed by the local news, I’m not going to say, “He was so quiet and kept to himself. I never would’ve suspected him.” I’ll be like, “People are garbage, so I’m not surprised.”
[God Creating]
Lucifer: Make them wake up paralyzed sometimes
G: That sounds horrible
L: People will love it
G: Hm, I trusted you on spiders
Jesus: and when there was but 1 set of footprints, there I carried u
Me: (checks fitbit) ok, phew, it counted the steps, I still got credit
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: I’m not sure. Over.
Today seems like a good day to wash my hair and take 10 selfies wearing 10 different shirts so I can pretend I look human on a regular basis
I’ve only been eating 6 spiders instead of 8 every year so I’ll have plenty for retirement.
17 told me I was “mid.” I don’t know what that means, but I’m going to change the WI-FI password about it.
Please, by all means, call my landline. I’ll reply with a postcard attached to a helium balloon
ME: kids, santa’s not real you don’t have to worry that someone’s always observing you
ALEXA: he’s right kids relax
The Roman Empire: was not built in one day
The Ramen Empire: ready in 3 minutes
These Valtrex commercials are confusing… Are herpes a pre-requisite for kayaking and rock climbing?
I’d be a terrible coroner. My reports would say something like: Subject is 44yo male. Cause of death, asphyxiation. Nice jaw. One unruly eyebrow. Strong hands. Excellent manscaping. We probably would have been great friends, possibly lovers. 8/10 stars.
Looks like someone’s been slipping steroids into Garfield’s lasagna again.
DICKENS: I’ve got writers block… I’ll have a martini, Bob.
BARTENDER: Olive or twist?
DICKENS: *looks into camera*
My wife is gone for the next 3 days, so if any ladies out there want to come over & yell at me to take out the garbage & not have sex, hmu
I think Australians should have to go 3 rounds in the ring with a kangaroo before they eat him.
When your mom is a nurse and your sister is a nurse, road trips begin with a minimum one hour of trading disgusting medical horror stories. And then we stop for breakfast.