How am I supposed to be professional when something at work is called a dongle?
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Throw away mascara that is empty???? no no no why would I do that? instead I keep them all in my makeup bag and give myself a little game of “which one of these 10 identical tubes is full?” it’s very fun and ruins every single one of my mornings
My kids re playing Frozen
4 is Anna
6 is Elsa
11 apparently is Sven
Hubs and I are the dead parents so at least we can just lay around and still be considered playing along
[covered in olive oil, salt, pepper and other herbs and spices]
Professor: “That’s just not what I meant when I said “come prepared”…”
i made a craigslist ad !
I don’t eat fast food anymore, but I’ve learned that if you pull in the drive-thru and tell them they forgot to give you napkins, they’ll hook you up, no questions asked.
Taken 4: How does this shit keep happening
tv host: and you’re all going home with a copy of his new book!
me: pfft i am NOT learning to read for that guy
Don’t go into a house that has candlesticks, you know somebody is about to get murdered
The stock market may be down but with all the parents needing to stay home with their kids for the foreseeable future I am heavily investing in vodka futures.
Genuinely no idea what to expect here.
I’m not saying boys make things harder and messier than girls but I watched my son make a root beer float last night pouring the root beer in first so I’m not not saying it.
by age 30 you really should just be in a completely unsustainable number of different group chats that all comprise of different combinations of the same people
Can’t believe my dog just ran into Petco and left me in the car with the windows rolled up
A gorgeous woman’s been staring me down from across this cafe for an hour. The wildly handsome man directly behind me must be super jealous.
My husband knew he couldn’t scare me with that ghost mask, so he held one of my credit cards over the shredder.
People who carry their dogs around,
You know they can walk, right? Theyre real good at it. It’s like one of the top known things about dogs
I abuse music so badly. I’m always like: make me feel good, watch me dance, listen to me sing, improve my mood. She must be sick of my shit.
I don’t know why these Jehovah’s Witnesses won’t give me their addresses in case I think of something more to shout at them.
#IHaveJustEnoughMoneyTo pay my phone bill so I can call my credit card company to tell them I don’t have money to pay them.
FRIEND: Hey, how are you doing?
ME (who goes to a lot of concerts): Wooooo.
Okay YouTube, if I’m gonna watch a 20-minute video and you want to show me a 15-second ad, fine, I’ll wait.
But if I’m going to watch a 2-minute video, that ad better be no more than a single frame of someone shouting “PIZZA HUT!”
Friend: *crying* I’ve been to Hell and back.
Me: *hugging her* Did you bring me a souvenir?
dog: the humans have food all the way up on the counter, that’s illegal
*calls in the SWAT team*
cat, wearing sunglasses and tactical gear: I’ll take it from here boys
My 17yo son made me do 40 seconds of star jumps in the garden to help me ‘keep fit’.
In return I made him no dinner to help him ‘keep slim’.
The first rule of bread making club is you only talk about it on a knead to dough basis.
The sadiator games of ancient Rome were deemed too much of a bummer by the emperor and were replaced with the more popular gladiator games.
19 is going to my 20 year reunion as me. Now we wait.
Sorry I yelled “SURPRISE!” when you caught me in bed with your husband.
I was unaware that you don’t like surprises.