This weather better stop actin like my teenager’s mood
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If you enjoy “naked and afraid”, check the the streaming of my new hit show: barefoot and mildly annoyed
The lost art of being “wishy washy.”
I don’t understand what someone gets out of arguing with a complete stranger.
Fight with your family like the rest of us.
“I’d like you to meet my half sister.”
“Different fathers?”
“Shark attack.”
Mechanic: Your car’s got a flat
Me: It’s called a garage
I actually think a giant wooden horse filled with soldiers would work BETTER to infiltrate a city now. Like, what’s the chance of someone trying that move twice?
Nurse: Where does it hurt?
Me: *Points to heart*
Nurse: Awwww that is so cute!
Me. *COLLAPSES FROM HEART ATTACK*
[christmas dinner]
me:
extended family member:
me:
extended family member:
me:
In case anyone needs to feel better about their parenting, my 9yo saw someone inside Build-a-Bear wearing a reindeer costume and said, “Look Mom, it’s a furry.”
Losing weight
Pros:
– fit into fashionable clothes
– less chub rub
– can be picked up & carriedCons:
– fit into beauty standards
– less likely that thighs will merge into eachother and become a mermaid tail
– can be picked up & carried
Ludacris: put your money where your mouth is
CDC: please don’t
I was lying next to 4 and he looked into my eyes and stroked some hair off my face and my heart melted but then he stroked a bit harder and said “mummy I can’t rub the lines out your face”
Him: You got Tik Tok?
Me: No, but I have some Altoids. Want some?
Him: …
Me: *rattles can in front of him*
My dentist calls himself the “tooth guy” because he’s fun and laid back and unlicensed
“Hardly ever used. Ex husband was busy riding other things.” 👀
Is there also a milkshake that will keep all the boys away from my yard?
sister in law asked me to get yellow onion from the store. lady it’s called a lemon
3-year-old: I pooped! I get a Popsicle!
Me: You’re potty trained now. You didn’t get a reward anymore.
3: *realizes growing up was a trap*
Girl, are you an umbrella? Because you’re never with me when I need you & I’ve forgotten you at a restaurant 4 or 5 times.
Donald Trump has all the resources to be Batman. Instead, he chooses to be Donald Trump.
I was definitely that mouthy preteen girl that told my dad’s girlfriend she’s just a girlfriend for NOW, while I’ll always be his daughter.
well, guess what, Brianne?
Happy 25th anniversary
Tell Dad I said hi
“Post Malone” is British for “mail my mortgage payment.”
Like a good neighbor
State Farm and I haven’t ever spoken.
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because I’m riding a Big Wheel on the freeway?
Officer: A STOLEN BIG WHEEL
Cop: you get one phone call
me: [dials 911] help
me: *knocking* hello is anyone home
mcdonalds employee: we told u last week u dont have to knock
me: oh good ur home can i have one mcfood
If your kid’s shitty kindergarten drawing is hanging on your fridge, you are an enabler of mediocrity.
*hurls Scrabble board at you*
[uses your words against you]
*shaking chip crumbs into my mouth*
May it please the Court.
Airport Security: Please remove your shoes
Man: Don’t be ridiculous, I’m no terrorist
AS: Sir, do you want to use the bouncy castle or not?