Granny said “alright now, if she fall that’s it for me” 😭
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when you’re locked out of the house and you can see your keys sitting right there on the table
“Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”
” Yes, we arson.”
Quit college. Become an oven. Get up to like 500 degrees.
[In meeting, puts cap on pen]
Me: Thanks everyone.
Coworker: Oh, also I nee–
Me: No, did you not see me cap my pen? This meeting is over.
they split up moments later
One of my wishes in life is to run across the Pacific Ocean in an air tight giant hamster ball.
How much rent do I pay once it’s divided equally? That is the per tenant question.
This guy told me he spoke Swedish and then spoke Swedish and tbh I have no way of knowing if he was lying.
“More than 1 way to skin a cat” – “Killing 2 birds with 1 stone” – Running like a chicken with its head cut off”
— who ARE we???
Keanu Reeves stuck motionless on a horse forever because every time it starts to move he goes “whoa”.
Some mornings I just want to punch people in the face before they could even speak because I know they’ll definitely deserve it later in the day !!
I was homeschooled so my back to school pics were of me standing in front of the house before I went back inside.
[first day working at the zoo]
Me: I don’t know, one minute the tortoise was in the cage-
Supervisor: *letting me out* but how did he get your keys
They’re calling the Patriot thing “Deflategate?” I was hoping they’d go with “Ball-o-caust.”
[back at work after being a stay-at-home parent for many years]
Me: alright, before this meeting starts, I want everyone to go pee. I don’t care if you don’t feel it, you need to try.
It’s a bird. It’s a plane. It’s a pedestrian. Seriously, you’re hitting everything with your car.
My milkshake won’t bring the boys to the yard but I’m betting my free wifi will.
At my job interview today the Boss said,
“You’re shaking, don’t be so nervous.”
So I told him, “Oh, I’m not nervous, I’m an alcoholic.”
WAITER: whaddaya have?
DADDY: go ahead son, tell the nice man what you want to eat
TODDLER: *extreme slingblade voice* you got any o’them french fried puhtaters? mmhmm
“I didn’t come here to argue.”
– people who definitely came to argue.
Groceries be like
$5.47
$.89
$4.99
$6.99
$1.25
$1.25TOTAL: $76.42
“Grammies” is a shortening of “gramophones.” Now that most people listen to music on their smartphones, the awards should probably be called (and I love this) “Phonies.”
[coding]
I don’t know what I did wrong. I’m an idiot
*ten minutes later*
I know what I did wrong. I’m an idiot.
[having sex]
me: *finishing first* I win again!
wife: you really don’t
flight attendant: as u can see the captain has turned on the no murdering sign
[guy next to me is still murdering someone]
me: um excuse me
*watches him dance*
*whispers* I’ve made a huge mistake.
Things that are more painful to step on than a Lego:
1. A gas pedal
Every once and a while you come across a person full of zest for life, that person is the reason they invented chloroform.