Somebody in my gang is an undercover police horse. I’ve narrowed it down to Dave, Kyle and Sugarcube
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Cleaning out my handbag. Wondering if nine pens are enough.
If I show you a picture on my phone and you start scrolling, I’m gonna stab you.
[First day as a fighter pilot]
*punches every passenger in the stomach as they board*
My husband pissed me off so I wrapped his remote and put it under the tree.
Absence makes the heart grow fonder, but my boss just gets mad when I don’t come to work 🙁
(McDonald’s bathroom)
*pulls away from kissing*
You’re better than my mirror at home
Cop: GET DOWN ON THE GROUND
Me: I didn’t do…
Cop:*cuffing me* Dispatch, we have a creepy clown in custody
Me: These are my regular clothes
Me: Well honey, this place is ripe for arson
Realtor: Right for your son? Oh yes
Me: This house will be coals
Realtor: Cole is a lovely name
I’m not saying it was a bad idea to let our 4yo color with markers, but now it looks like our kitchen table was pooped on by a diarrheal unicorn binge-eating fruit loops
You’re not impressing anyone, server who didn’t write down our orders. You’re just making us anxious.
universe: you deserve a break
me: wow thanks
universe: *winks*
me: *tumbles down the stairs*
And that’s why you clean your room, kids.
The safest place to sit in the park is actually on the rollercoaster we bought piece by piece on eBay
Homeschooling, Day whatever: This school really needs a new janitor.
Table for one, please.
Ma’am, your family is right behind you.
its embarrassing that 90% of my Google history is just words I wasnt sure how to spell, and yes I googled embarrassing.
*visiting Egypt*
“What the hell, they walk like everybody else!”
Maybe she’s born with it. Maybe she studied abroad for one semester and came back with an accent.
Why am I like this?
#Shipping #Ecommerce #SmallBusiness #USPS #ShipDude
HEADS UP: I was at just at the mall and they must’ve recently installed those speed bumps that scream in pain
CONCERT
AC/DC: Who’s ready to be Thunderstruck?
CROWD: *screams
ME: [from front row] IT’S IMPOSSIBLE TO BE STRUCK BY THUNDER!
half of halloween decorations are “what if a pumpkin could smile :)” and the other half is “would you like to see a clown stab a dog”.
I would walk 500 miles
And I would walk 500 more
Just to be the man who
Walked a thousand miles
To throw up on your door
A cup of water A cup of water
when it’s in when it spills
a cup on the table
Lmao the reply
INDIANA JONES: this belongs in a museum!
*11 people die*
INDIANA JONES: this was worth it
her: when I die can you bury me in my favorite dress
grave digger: I usually just wear my overalls
im awake if anyone wants to go on a cute forest hike and feed me to a bear
screaming into balloons for an extra surprise when the kids pop them