Part of me says, “I can’t keep drinking like this.” While another says “Don’t listen to her, she’s drunk.”
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13 just did his laundry without provocation.
I’m sure he wants something, but he’s scaring the hell out of me.
*first time at a Michelin restaurant*
Me: “One order of tires, please.”
We’re not staying up to see in the New Year, we’re staying up to make absolutely certain that the old year is dead. Bring weapons.
3yo: I hate vegetables!
Me: you know fries are made from a vegetable, right?
3yo: oh, ok, I love fries!
Me: great, here’s your ᶜᵃʳʳᵒᵗ ‘fries’
No one told me we would be forced to eat brussel sprouts at that haunted house.
[taking communion at church]
I’m a recovering alcoholic do you have any actual blood?
I only have sex with the lights off to prevent having to explain some of my tattoos.
somewhere, in an alternate universe
My coworker snapped his fingers at me to get my attention.
In related news, hiding a body is not as easy as you think.
[first day as a negotiator]
me: ok
If you watch the movie Twister backwards it’s the story of friendly tornados saving lives, rebuilding destroyed towns and playing with cows.
Well, this certainly took a turn
My husband never answers the phone when I need him!
When I need him: Middle of the afternoon, on a Tuesday, while he is at work, and there is not one but TWO wasps flying around the kitchen tormenting me.
SEND HELP!
[The Second Coming]
Jesus: “People of the Earth! I have returned with news of God’s love an-“
Voice from the crowd: “DO THE WINE TRICK”
She’s a 10 which makes it hard for her to find decent shoes.
The Earth is 70% uncarbonated water
Therefore the Earth is flat.
Some of my friends have really unattractive children and I don’t say a word I just carry this heavy cross
How dare the delivery guy ring my doorbell and disturb me with a package that I ordered.
My uncle was sitting alone at the table & I said “sitting with all of your friends?” And he said “yeah having a good conversation with your boyfriend.” I love the holidays!!!
Me: Do that thing I like
Him: [panics because I’m very inconsistent]
Boss: Did you get my email?
Me: Yes. It had italics, all-caps, and highlighting and I had no idea how to prioritize that information.
I don’t care how much candy he offers you, kids, do NOT get out of Billy Ocean’s dreams and into his car.
‘I just liked camping alone, you know?’
~Jason Voorhees, in therapy
I’d pay a premium to stay in a hotel that dispensed knockout gas when it sensed loud hallway talkers.
I think I’m going to Bangladesh.
Ladesh: I have a boyfriend.
*first day as a cop*
What if they arrest me back
If pulled over, immediately ask the officer if they’ve been drinking in order to establish dominance.
[Swims out to Sea]
*sees shark*
OH NO!
*dolphins save me*
Thanks dolphins!
*dolphins ask for a tip
[I’m broke]
*they return me to the shark*