Me, December 2016: I’m going to buy this juicer and lose some weight in January
Me, January 2017: I have eaten the juicer
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Still disappointed that a goblet is just a cup and not a miniature goblin.
If elected mayor, I promise to put a giant, ship-crushing squid in every sea.
Wife: Don’t you hate when you eat something that’s not very satisfying but it’s too late to eat something else?
Me: Too late?
Netflix suggested I watch my kids.
(kids playing upstairs)
*loud crash*
Me: *slowly gets off the couch to take a look at everything we own*
The phrase “you two deserve each other” sounds like a compliment, but never is.
Age is just a number in the same way that a killer whale is just a fish.
I have a dog to make sure that the sounds in the middle of the night are nothing serious and I have a cat to make those sounds.
How does one “schmooze”, and what is it? It sounds like tissue paper may be necessary
Cop: Can you describe the man who stabbed you?
Me: He kept going like this [stabbing motion]
If you stop vacuuming your stairs eventually they become a snack bar for your kids.
If I insisted on getting my kids to bed by 7:00 every night, I’d have to start their bedtime routine just after breakfast.
I didn’t say you are fat, I just said that going out with you feels like going on a double date
Someone had to say it 🤷♂️
I wonder if the guy I’m interviewing knows this isn’t for a cologne model position.
Why does the dentist have to take an X-ray of my teeth. They right there bro
What the dentist sees
Me: So my car made a noise and..
Mechanic: That’s gonna be expensive.. I can tell already.
Me: so what does your husband do?
Her: he’s a dermatologist
Me: pore guy :/
ROOKIE: Looks like the air bag failed to inflate
COP: Actually it did, the guy is just ugly
ME: C’mon guys I’m still alive here
Me, seeing a man proposing to a woman in public: Hey, this guy bothering you?
I was driving home the other day, when suddenly a group of robbers jumped in and stole everything. They were pirates of the car I be in.
Are @bt_uk responsible for the crime and violence in our society? @funTweeters @TheComedyHumor @OurNameIsFun
Explain it to me like I’m five then do it for me like I’m one hundred.
Sometimes I open my dog’s giant food bag with a knife so she is impressed with my kibble hunting skills.
My lack of exercise is really catching up to me. Now it’s passing me. Wow, my lack of exercise is in great shape.
Him: It’s pretty loud, do you maybe want to get out of here?
Me: Oh my god. Yes, absolutely [grabbing my coat and standing up] ok bye have a nice night
Every time I stop, someone always tries to peer pressure me into hammer time.
Y’all. My kids are in the bathroom plotting to stay up until midnight and have NO CLUE I can hear EVERY word of their plan to “sneak into the pantry and eat a ton of sugar”🙄
To be continued…
[Busy Diner]
Waitress carrying 4 plates: “OK now, honey. Who was eggs?”
Me (highly educated): “In a sense…” (scrunching up eyes to read her name badge) ”…Barbara. All of us were once eggs.”