Don’t waste electricity. Would you
like it if I turned you on and walked
away?
You Might Also Like
Have a blessed Friday, may it be filled with…
I’m so over sweating. I’m putting a pin in sweating for the next two months. We can circle back on sweating in September.
Hello, pest control? Yes, I have these noisy little critters. They got into the snacks, made a mess of the place and keep calling me mom.
Feeling sad? Donuts.
Feeling blah? Donuts.
Feeling upset? Donuts.
Feeling that your husband may be Facebook cheating on you with his skanky old high school girlfriend Brenda? Lots and lots and lots of donuts.
They should sell edibles at the airport with the slogan “make every flight a red eye”. This would make approximately 600 billion dollars
I haven’t been jogging since I tripped and broke my ego in several places.
I’m not actively avoiding you. I don’t actively do anything.
Never argue with someone who knows fancier words than you. Like ‘responsibility’
*Sat talking to a girl at a bar*
Brain: Compliment her perfume, nicely.
Me: I AM SMELLING YOU
Brain: Why do you hate me?
Wow so when an ostrich buries head in the sand, it’s alright; but when I do it, I’m arrested for trying to get rid of a murder victim’s body.
Is it because I’m brown??
Don’t call me honey or baby if I don’t know you.
I’ll marry you and move my mother in with us and then you’ll be sorry.
drunk in public? why good sir back in my day we used to call it “turnt” how do I keep up with the parlance of these times.
Cop: Did you murder all your friends and make a smoothie out of their dead bodies?
Strawberry Shortcake: I’ve been berry naughty!
“Recalculating. Recalculating.”
– My GPS after I get distracted following an SUV with a dog in the back
[2nd time at girls house]
“where’s your dog?”
Oh he isn’t mine. I was dog sitting
[makes text alert sound w mouth] “Its work. I gotta go”
My son washes dishes like he knows there are 12,000 germs but only wants to kill 1.
Yelled at some skinhead today & he was all like “chemotherapy, dude” & I was like, “whatever, racist” cause sometimes you gotta take a stand
Them: what’s your favorite foreign film?
Me: oh definitely Star Wars
Them: ……
Me: it took place in a galaxy far, far away
Me: it’s also my favorite historical film
When someone asks why you don’t have kids just say “dingoes”
Did the math. Facebook is worth $100 billion and with 800 million users that puts the value of a life at $12.50. Never pay a hitman more.
Forgot my glasses so I’m pointing at a random spot on the menu and hoping for the best
I like the show on fox news where there are 4 conservative idiots yelling at one liberal idiot.
As a kid in the 70’s when I told my dad I wanted to go to the movies to see Grease, he told me to go look in the lard can on the stove.
Hi everyone, welcome to Motorboat Club. Let’s get started on some sailing basics.
*Man in back row throws brochure on ground and storms out*
My Christmas letter this year includes a bonus DVD of my colonoscopy.
“Please go play with your brother. That’s basically the reason we had him.”
This guy poured his box of raisinets directly into his bag of popcorn at the movie counter. After my initial shock I bowed to him.
Every time you push the potato button on your microwave, a potato appears in someone else’s microwave.
HOW I DRESS FOR UNIVERSITY
First day of the week: brad pitt
Last day of the week: homeless druggie
#MakeAFilmUncomfortable The Godfather – With Benefits