You don’t even want to know what people have used the ice tongs in your hotel room for.
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Going off the grid sounds great until you find out how difficult it is to make mayonnaise in the woods.
If you have any questions or concerns please don’t. Hesitate to ask.
Is anyone else worried that software engineers with no people skills are teaching our future robots people skills
*working out*
this is so much worse than i thought
Putin: I have returned Russia to its glory days, once again we have launched a dog into space
Reporter: when will it return
Putin: WHat
My doctor told me to get my affairs in order. So line up guys, let’s get you numbered.
Stop telling your kid “We’re leaving in 5 minutes.” They have no idea what that means. Nor do they care
Our homeschooling curriculum includes: Honors Laundry and AP Vaccumming.
I’m trying to find my niche, and my nechphew
Me: shouldn’t ocean now be spelled oCean?
Climatologist: that’s not what rising sea level means
*cough*
Yes, for the fifth time, I can hear you on this Zoom call! even though I don’t wanna!
Doctor: Any cancer in the family?
Me: My mom is a Sagittarius, but I’ll have to check on everyone else.
Doc: …
My special superpower is seeing patterns. Grandma thinks it’s a bullshit superpower, her knitting room is full of them
“Man, people have a lot of free time on their hands,” says my husband, standing idly by our window for several minutes staring at everyone attending our neighbor’s garage sale.
our love will go down in history
like the Hindenburg
In 3rd grade I cheated off my friend Rena’s test because I didn’t know where Washington DC was. Turns out she didn’t know where it was either.
Welcome to your 40’s. You’ll be mad if a neighbor doesn’t mow their lawn.
*Han thaws and smashes to the ground in a massive heap, after being frozen in carbonite*
Han Solo: Who are you?
Princess Leia: Someone who loves you… but let’s you thaw and smash to the ground in a massive heap after being held frozen in carbonite.
17: If I was gay would you still love me?
Me: Of course.
17: If I committed crimes?
Me: Yes.
17: If I voted for Trump-
Me: Dead to me.
I googled “where do ninjas live?” no results were found.
Well played ninjas. Well played.
My upstairs neighbours at 6 am:
“AND NOW IT IS TIME FOR THE CEREMONIAL REARRANGING OF THE BOULDERS”
Cartoons made it seem like I’d be regularly hit in the head with fallen anvils, but it’s only happened to me three times.
Today’s kids will never know how to play Minesweeper – because neither did we 😂
i dont swirl my wine because im sophisticated i do it because i can barely stand
Love will tear us apart. Also, bears, wolves and some other woodland creatures.
I should have used more oils to get this off easier..
I’m trying to jerk it off but it won’t come.
Honey, dinner is stuck to the pan.
We’ll just have to agree to disagree is my favorite way of saying “you’re an idiot but I’m tired”
What ever happened to simple filters like Black and white or Sepia? Now I need to choose from Funfetti Hufflepuff or Pixie Rave Donkey Punch.
me: how much for the funny smelling spray?
employee: perfume?
me: no, the whole bottle