Letting my cat know in a positive way that he’s looking very round today.
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We get it. If your candidate doesn’t win in November, you’re moving to the whitest English speaking country you can drive to.
There I was, quietly reliving my dream of having my own house, when suddenly I was attacked by insane prices.
The reason that aliens have never visited us is because our solar system has received terrible reviews.
We only have one star.
Guys I don’t think the people who run the world are very good
cop: [pointing at me] he with you?
him: never seen him before
me: [welling up] what the hell Jerry we literally just robbed a bank together
Dads are never closer to their pioneer heritage than when they are seeking out a spot for their family at the beach.
Some of you should be ashamed of yourselves. You know who you are. I probably should be too, but this isn’t about me.
Told my teen “I love you” when I dropped her off at school this morning and she replied “Thank you”
So if history has taught me anything, she’s probably leaving me for another mom soon.
I tossed my billiard table into the bathtub.
Now I have a swimming pool.
[buried under a pile of geese]
Ah yes, murder most fowl. Excellent.
“That’ll be $147,382.” – The cab driver after taking Will Smith from Philadelphia to Bel Air.
Guys the harlem shake died almost 7 years ago so it should be reaching Facebook soon
when they’re all distracted let’s quickly fix the housing market
Cross a mobster in the streets. Horse’s head in the sheets.
Apparently “if you must draw your eyebrows on, please draw them evenly” was not the tip this waitress was expecting.
Listen, if you are going to someone’s house for Thanksgiving, compliment their baseboards. That is what they are spending today cleaning
[interview to be an undercover agent]
Chief: Janine, can you send in the next applicant
Janine: yes sir; next!
[the large potted plant in the corner of the room stands up]
Chief: Janine, can you send home the remaining applicants
I want my hearse to have ‘JUST DIED’ written on the windshield with cans tied to the rear bumper.
Today:
– do what I bloody well please
– hurl insults in iambic pentameter
– sexy bacon eating
– ale
– archery
– ladies
– enjoy the little things (like violent mood swings)
– pies
You’re right, teenagers: We don’t know what you’re going through. The rest of us skipped straight from 12 to 20. Best decision we ever made.
Just went outside for 10 mins and the mosquitoes treated me like I was fresh eggs at a continental breakfast
I could pick up a Prius if there was a pizza trapped under it
I reply to “Happy New Year” with “not if I have anything to do with it.”
The Willy Wonka grandparents were connected under the covers, like a rat king.
Cool shirt 🙂
“I didn’t come here to argue.”
– people who definitely came to argue.
“You have $400. Your boyfriend texts and says he needs $200 and your ex texts and says he needs $100. How much you have left?”
Me: $400 and 2 unread messages
Every motorcycle cop is a liquid terminator until proven otherwise.
“Apart from diet and exercise, anything else I should change, doctor?”
“Again, *wheeling me into surgery* the main thing is the bear fighting.”
Sometimes, I like to establish dominance over my shorter friends by telling them we need to hurry, and then climbing up a staircase, two steps at a time.
If you think you’re having a bad day, the lady who took my order in the drive-thru asked me if my order was to go.