[bedtime]
me: babe we forgot to lock the door
him: not it
murderer under the bed: not it
me: fine I’ve got it
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Does this dress make me look cat?
I’ve got bad news. I went out to your apiary and someone had stolen all your apes. There were a lot of bees hanging around. You might see if they know who did it.
Genie: you get three wishes
Dog: I wish I was inside
Genie: two wishes
Dog: I wish I was outside
Genie: one wish
Dog:
Genie:
Dog: I wish I was inside
Praying for people who setup a 5PM work meeting on a Friday to be blessed with the most obnoxious kids
Single men not in love with me.
Explain yourselves.
Bacon is the duct tape in the culinary world. It fixes almost any dish.
Yoga bends.
Yoga stretches.
Yoga realizes is out of shape.
Yoga pants.
11yos doing remote school be like, help me with this, no not like that, no not like that either, ugh forget it I’ll do it myself, seriously it’s fine I’ll figure it out, ughhh you’re so annoying just leeeeeave, wait I need help come back
oh, internet, you didn’t even exist when this happened to me. every weekend.
Wife: what are you watching?
Me: See II
Wife: don’t you mean Saw II?
Me: not till it’s over
*at the pharmacy*
I WOULD LIKE THE PILLS THAT ALLOW ME TO CONTROL BIRTH
*pharmacist blinks*
GIVE THEM TO ME, SORCERER
Chad: But I don’t want to advertise escorts or be known for shady stuff.
Craig: Then I’ll start my own list.
Damn girl are you a bra because ur very supportive but I can’t figure out how to get you off
[parole hearing]
OFFICER: are u reformed?
ME: I—
O: go on
M: I th—
O: tell us
M: I’m—
O: yes
M: can I finish my sentence
O: ok parole denied
asked my bf what the red mark on his tummy was and he said “oh, I tried to steam my shirt while wearing it and burned myself.” this is the person I’ve chosen to love.
Of course he’s into you. He’s just super-duper busy, messaging other chicks.
me: another one, make it a double
hot dog vendor: how
“Get better” is a nice thing to write on a card. “Get better soon” feels a little threatening though. What’s the rush
I can’t believe there was a time in my life when someone had to make me take a nap.
[detention facility]
Jeff: I’m in for littering what are YOU in for?
Jeoff: loitering
2015:hey how’s it going so far?
2016:uh good
15:
16:
15:you’ve got an armed mili-
16:we’ve got an armed militia in a wildlife building, yeah
I don’t normally shit with the door open but I don’t want to miss the in flight movie
Everyone talks about how mean geese are and how aggressive geese are but it seems like we used to eat a lot of goose holiday dinners and now we don’t so
*plays Eye of the Tiger*
*starts runni…*
*yeah, screw this*
A man accidentally made eye contact with me on the train, so I left my shoe behind.
And now, we wait…
If you love someone, poison them a little bit each day. If they don’t suspect you at all, they might be the ONE.
i don’t “get” knights. i’m not calling some guy sir just because an old lady that eats beans for breakfast tapped him with a sword
when i don’t respond right away: i’m busy, they’ll understand
when someone takes more than three minutes to respond to me: wow ok judas
And that’s why you clean your room, kids.