The Bank of America app randomly disappeared off my phone and now I’m wondering how much money I spent last night.
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Can you teach a self-cleaning oven to do the rest of the house?
My grandma accidentally swallowed a fly. Feeding her a spider now…
get yer dragons here! get yer dragons… I have menthol and non-menthol, get yer dragons!!
this one time I saw a vegas hypnotist who told the audience he was going to turn me into a sad, depressed loser who makes dumb jokes on a dying website for zero money & I was like give it ur best shot, Mezmo the Great
Teacher: Fill out the parent form.
Me: Why?
Teacher: So I can contact you if your kid gets in trouble.
Me: *writing* Raised. By. Wolves.
With the proper diet and lack of exercise, you can turn any jeans into skinny jeans.
“Can you describe your self in two words?”
– Lazy.
*calls child protective services*
PROTECTIVE SERVICES: Why would you name me this, mom?
“This does not bode well.” – a guy at the returns desk, explaining why he’s returning a boder.
I just sneezed with a cat on my lap and I’m going to need someone to send help I’m losing a lot of blood.
I was very proud of myself for eating a healthy dinner. So naturally I rewarded myself with a bowl of ice cream.
if you’ve ever wanted to know what a violent mugging feels like, i’d highly recommend inviting my friends & their 2 toddlers over for dinner one night.
wife: im pregnant
me: what? im not ready to be a mother we still have petty arguments
wife: im the mother
me: this is what I’m talking about
My husband and I were at a restaurant and the couple next to us kept feeding each other and let me tell you we would NEVER do that unless it was poison
My 6 y/o told me the medicine cabinet was our most important cabinet. Outwardly I agreed but inwardly: “no son, the liquor cabinet is”.
Sitting on airplane…. I sanitize our tray tables, seat cushions, seatbelts, and seatback pockets. My child then licks the window.
*barges into bank with guns drawn
Alright everyone now be cool and no one gets hurt!
*hands out sunglasses all around
Nice. Nice.
Be the reason why church doors slam shut as you walk by.
Types of Amazon reviews:
9,700 people: 5/5 stars. great toaster for the price!
283 people: 3/5 stars. decent toaster but can get stuck
5 people: 1/5 stars. awful quality, I ran it over with my truck and it broke
1 person: 0/5 stars. useless, I was trying to buy a blender
Person: How are you going to get over this curb?
Me [from my wheelchair]: I don’t know. This curb and I have been through a lot together.
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: *pretending I’m asleep so he has to carry me up to my bed*
COP: Oh dang
*first day using my sith power*
“Hey stormtrooper, stop hitting yourself!”
My wife told me to get a real job or pack my bags!
What an idiot! Who threatens someone with a vacation???
4: Let’s play.
Me: Ok.
4: You can be the mommy.
Me: Sure.
4: You’ll have to figure out what all the kids eat.
Me: Nope, I’m out.
Why is it called “fixing a flat” and not “retirement?”
wife: do u want a glass of water?
me: of what?
wife: water
me: a glass of what?
wife: oh my god. *sighs* earth soup
Boss: You’ve really raised the bar around here.
Me: Thank you.
Boss: The customers can’t reach their drinks you moron.
Why yes internet stranger, I have tweets that contradict each other. It’s a timeline, not a deposition
My safe word is antidisestablishmentarianism.
Don’t worry. I never get laid.
ME: we can probably take our masks off now since we’re outside
BANK ROBBER: you massive idiot