I still see some of my ex-girlfriends. Well, not so much see, more like…watch.
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JAJAJAJAJAJAJAJA NOOOOOOOOO JAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJJAJAJ AIREEEEEE JAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJA
Me: I’ll drink to that!
Person who brought me to church: [whispers] We usually just say “Amen.”
Avoid getting crumbs in your bed by eating in your kid’s bed.
If your partner keeps saying “we need to refine our packages” on their zoom you’re left with no option but to text “I’ll refine your package” causing him spray his coffee in front of everyone.
Friend: I saw this guy he looks just like you!
Me: Please dont
Friend: No I’m serious you guys are twins
Me: This is never flattering please just shut up
Friend: Look, I took a picture
Me: Man this is an old tire full of water
Friend: You guys are identical!
Gods work.
Just found a tiny box full of kids teeth hidden under my sink…dear god I hope these are from my children
My 4 year old walks around the house with a walkie talkie clipped on his pants like he’s here installing high speed internet.
A 6-month wait when filing for divorce, but only a 15-day wait when buying a gun. I think the solution for relationship problems is clear.
[spooky noise comes from my closet]
monster under my bed: you heard that too right
Me: I wanna be ugly
Genie: you got 3 wishes left
You’ve reached voicemail of [Jim], leave a message.
“Hi it’s the library. The book ‘How to Steal Library Books’ is now 1 week over…UH OH”
I went outside without makeup on. A child cried and I think a bird flew into a window on purpose.
My 7YO was coloring in her room on her desk, now I’m wiping off the paint from every part of the house
Tree:
Tree Doctor: it’s a Tree house
Tree: oh no
Tree Doctor: you have humans
[god making cheetahs]
Let’s just squish a giraffe and give it whiskers
Avoid being invited back to a party by showing up with a 25-gallon jug of lube and a box of rubber gloves.
I can tell these edibles have finally kicked in by the way I’m caressing my burrito and whispering “Ay Papi” Into what I’m pretty sure is its ear.
75% of parenting is taking their keys to punish them
And giving them back because they’re driving you crazy
WIFE: Do you have a hot glue gun?
ME: No but I have a sexy stapler
Me: “Would you like to go on a date?”
Her: “Yes”
Me: “Yeah, it’s cool, I was kind of kidding anyway.”
“Wait, what?!”
Me: I’m heading out to escort the canine on a jaunty trek about the neighborhood.
My husband: Why don’t you just say you’re going to walk the dog?
Dog: *goes absolutely nuts*
*skinny dips into black hole
[me narrating a documentary about the pyramids]
I really want a Toblerone for some reason.
Remember when we wished we could read people’s minds? Social media has shown just how shitty that power is.
I actually think a giant wooden horse filled with soldiers would work BETTER to infiltrate a city now. Like, what’s the chance of someone trying that move twice?
I said to my wife, ‘Hey, I really love these new furry condoms.”
‘Bob, that’s a cat.’
I’ll write ‘not unlike’ as if I’m being payed by the word.
If I am ever killed by a koala bear, I hope whoever finds me just tells people I was killed by a bear
My southern mother passive-aggressively reorganized my refrigerator in the ten minutes she was left alone with it and now I can’t find the cream cheese