Word!
You Might Also Like
*1st day in hell*
Devil: So you just sit in this room and people give you gifts
Me: Oh nice
Devil: And you have to react to each one
Me: NO
Husband: Do you know where I put my lava lamp?
Me: 1970.
[Spelling Bee]
-Your word is ‘leniency’
-Can you use it in a sentence?
-*gets law degree*
*works in law*
*becomes judge*
*fines robber £1*
I like it when my kids are old enough to drink out of the toilet on their own. That way I don’t have to get out of bed to get them a drink.
10 signs that he’s just not that into you
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.
6.
7.
8.
9.
10. He is a cat.
judge: your click bait articles have been deemed fraudulent. How do you plead?
me: I’m innocent and you won’t believe why! click here
Social Media and Real life
my girlfriend went to slip into something more comfortable six months ago which makes me wonder how comfortable you can possibly be
My favorite part of a date is the sweet, seedy flesh. Wait, sorry, that’s my favorite part of a fig, I always get figs and dates mixed up.
I wasn’t allowed to watch “A Charlie Brown Christmas” as a kid because of my Peanut allergy.
The man I married can land a fly on a trout’s snout.
The man I married says it’s not ON the snout, but AHEAD of the snout.
The man I married doesn’t allow imprecise compliments.
vampires are dumb, moonlight is reflected sunlight.
My tiny body fills up with emotions faster than normal sized people so really it makes sense when I overreact to everything
Just heard we’re under a “heat advisory.”
Brought to you by the same people who advise us not to drive during an ice storm or hold fireworks when they explode.
I’m not allowed at the gym anymore because I dropped my chili dog on the treadmill
Website: Make a password
Me: Ok
Website: Make it STRONGER so you don’t get HACKED
Me: Wow alright
Website: Damn that’s a strong password
[1 Week Later]
Website: You got hacked
Me: But my password was so strong
Website: Yeah the whole site got hacked. Our bad
My 5yo’s Kindergarten teacher put me in charge of the painting center so she really shouldn’t be surprised to find out I blew up her car.
what do tooth fairies do with the teeth they collect? what do they know that we don’t? are we getting ripped off
Bouncy balls are super fun if you love to play with something very briefly, then spend 45 minutes looking for it in a shrub.
A bloke just in front of me got knocked over by a runaway shopping trolley and if I hadn’t paused to look at a couple of fish fillets it could have been me. I immediately thought, there but for the brace of cod go I.
Wife: *working a crossword* Seven letter word for female.
Me: Ironman
Wife: Get out!
Hell hath no fury like 2 parties who each think they have booked the conference room for the day.
rent? again? no no you must be mistaken, i only just recently paid rent last month
WEBMD: Enter symptoms
Me: cold chills, squishy brain, stinging skin
WEBMD: You are a jellyfish
I got fired from my job at the keyboard factory.
They said I wasn’t putting in enough shifts.
5:21am: I hope someone gets mad at me today.
5:22am: Oh good.
my coworker was wiping a stain off her jacket this morning and was like “never feed a baby in a suit,” and of course my first thought was “who dresses a baby in a suit”
me, drunk, into the thermostat: alexa, how do i charge my milk when it’s at 2%?