Just hiked to a waterfall in the middle of Maine and halfway through as I was starting to feel super proud about doing this somewhat difficult hike by myself a 70 year old woman passed me going the other way wearing flip flops and holding a bud light.
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judge: do u plead innocent or guilty?
me: I do
I’ve reached the point in my life where I’m ready for a life partner. But I’d probably be just as content with a cheeseburger.
1: Can I do the cancan?
2: You mean may, not can
1: Can I do the canmay?
2: No, the first can
1: Can I do the maycan?
2: No. May I do the cancan
1: No
I wonder if serial killers ever leave their knives on the edge of the sink in case they may want to commit two murders.
If I had a nickel for every time I had a nickel I would just continue getting nickels until I had all the nickels.
With KFC’s announcement they’ve created an edible coffee cup, the chain is ready to face its next challenge: creating edible food.
my neighbors have set up a little “bear hunt” game by putting teddy bears in their windows. I’ve shot five so far
I’ll be so happy when 2020 is over in a few years
My only real argument for having multiple children is that the older one will eventually be able to help the younger one with Common Core math.
Sometimes when I get a compliment I stop, moonwalk out of the room and yell “Thank You “just to leave them hanging.
I heard once that you should always wear clean underwear just in case you get hit by a bus.
Me, dying under a bus, I vaguely see the outline of the knicker police approaching: Oh no.
Saw Little Women. Totally misleading title. They stayed normal-sized the whole time. 2 stars.
[The Cheesecake Factory]
*looking at menu*
Alan Rickman voice: Turn to page 394.
Thanks to auto correct, my wife thinks I want to check out Stranger Thongs tonight.
[At dinner with wife’s friends]
Me: may I chime in
Wife: I swear to God if you brought your chimes-
*my bag dings a little as I unzip it*
People will come in and out of your life. Make sure they’ve gotten the flu vaccine.
-inspirational tweet
Some days I can’t believe my son is 3 ½ years old. I swear that kid has been tormenting us for at least 10 years.
doctor: are you sexually active?
me: buddy, i’m not even regularly active
Been dating this guy for 4 months and today he asked me why I don’t have a boyfriend. ☹️☹️
When someone’s shooting at you, always run in a zig zag pattern. It won’t increase your odds. But it will make everyone laugh.
[aliens talking]
“They call it a sel-fee”
A photograph of oneself?
“Sometimes several”
But why?
“We have one theory”
Go on
“They’re idiots”
People almost never do the cute little Pillsbury dough boy noise when you poke them in the stomach. Everything is a lie
Cyclists who think you’re both a car AND a pedestrian.
Explain yourselves.
*leans over sink*
*splashes face w cold water*
*stares at self in mirror**returns to couch where my niece is playing mario kart*
best of 3
Me: *finishes my dope hula hoop routine
Judge: Still guilty.
DOG: where do you go every day?
OWNER: to work
DOG: i don’t know what that is, but sounds sad
CAT: you leave? really?
Baby proofing is like trying to plug a giant hole with your finger, much more effective is to duct tape your child to the floor in the middle of an empty room
[desert island diary – day 1]
4:15 pm: Got one call out of my cell phone before it died. Now I wait.
5:25 pm: That pizza is definitely free
All these years, i thought Ricky Martin was singing, chicken bonbon, chicken bonbon