Mars rover quietly killing whatever life it finds.
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Has science gone too far?
My rapper name is Chick P cause I mostly just hum about us.
Drugs and alcohol aren’t the answer. Unless the question is why did you shit on the sidewalk last night?
Brought a ninja to a gunfight and it was really cool. Everyone clapped. Then they shot him.
As a young girl she played the game Operation and dreamed about the day she could illegally harvest vital organs in real life.
Them: What is wrong with you?
Me: How much time do you have?
BOSS: I need to see you in my office
ME: *I begrudgingly take off my invisibility cloak* oh alright
me: hey can i get some ground?
groundhog: you may not.
Millions of years of evolution have moulded us into a species that struggles to open the wrong ends of garbage bags.
Me: What would you give me if I can fit this whole waffle in my mouth?!
Wife: An uncontested divorce
There should be a special rating system for movies that tells you how uncomfortable you’ll be if you watch them with your parents.
The trick to doing crimes is to wait until after 5pm when all the police have gone home for the day
Hey m&m’s, I’ll be the judge if this bag is shareable or not.
me and my fake scenarios
stop being so defensive i am just trying to hit you with weapons
If Spider-man’s powers came from a radioactive spider, the spider could have bitten and altered any other animal and I don’t want to live in a world with spider-wolves. I just don’t.
I forgot the word milk so I called it calcium juice.
Me, excited because I don’t have to make school lunches for the next three months.
*Summer camps have entered the chat.*
While on a family road trip
My Kid: Dad, can I play on your phone now?
Me: for the last time, no, and stop asking
My Kid: How about at the next stop light?
Me: sure…
Narrator: The next stop light was 90 miles away, and 4 miles from their destination
My daughter gave me a coupon book for Mother’s Day and told me to pick one, so I chose the clean your room coupon. She immediately began crying because I was supposed to choose the free hug instead.
A man was arrested on Brighton beach today for throwing pebbles at the sea birds.
He was accused of having left no tern unstoned.
If I don’t post proof of my bubble bath…did it even actually happen.
HB: *text* hey, what’s for dinner?
Me: Roast Chicken.
HB: cool, you need me to pick up anything on my way home?
Me: yes, a roast chicken.
“nice dog or cat or baby or whatever” i offer politely, my eyes scanning the room for the taco dip. “was it expensive?”
Wife: Silent
Me: What’s wrong?
Wife: Nothing
Me: Grabs shield and sword
Me, sitting on the patio trying to enjoy a book.
Leaf blowers: ABSOLUTELY NOT.
Pee your name in the snow and you’ll quickly understand why they teach cursive in our schools.
Because of how time works, every photo is a ‘before’ photo.
(to my date after each preview at a movie) the actual film will be much longer than that
“I really thought by now we’d all have robots,” he wrote, typing on a small device containing the sum of the world’s knowledge.