Not saying I’m lazy, but if we had a motion detector alarm in our house it wouldn’t have gone off all day yesterday, even though I was home.
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Me: So what do you do?
Date: I’m a seismologist.
Me: No way! Can you…
Date: Please don’t.
Me: …guess my height?
I don’t usually sing Adele, but when I do, it’s usually on the toilet in the middle stall in the men’s washroom at work.
I thought I Kuwait but
then I Saudi Turkey
and my Bahrain was like
Oman I Israel Hungary
so Iran.
How many police tv shows or movies have you heard them say the person was pronounced dead upon arrival at the hospital, but the police NEVER suspect the E.M.T.
Just sayin.
count to ten before showing someone that “funny” video
Just said “shitted feet” instead of fitted sheet in front of my my son and four of his friends.
If you need me, I’ll be in the closet
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if every time a message in blood appeared on a wall it was something constructive like IS THAT WHAT YOU’RE WEARING?
me: I think there may have been a mixup at the hospital. this isn’t my baby
him: mom I’m 35 years old
professor x: what’s your power?
jk rowling: i can rewrite the past of fictional characters
gay professor x : interesting
Make sure you tip your exorcist or else you can get repossessed.
It’s Facebook’s 10th birthday today. Let’s all click “Maybe” on the event invite and then not show up.
Murder Hornets have arrived in America. Not sure how they got past the wall.
I think it’s fair to question whether or not Barack Obama is an American. I mean, look at him.
He’s awfully thin…
‘I just need like two minutes!’
~me, lying
I got free pancakes on International Pancake Day. International Women’s Day is now almost over and I think I like pancake day better.
I like big MUTTS & I cannot lie
U other breeders can’t deny
When a dog walks in with a pretty mixed race & spots all on its face it gets PET
I can’t wait to get married and not invite ppl who thought they were coming
Cristina Aguilera: “You’re beautiful! No matter what they say!”
Me: “Wait, what do they say?”
Things Women Over 30 Should Never Wear
1. exploding glove
2. ham sandwich
3. flaming fireplace
4. Dead bird helmet
6. shark eggs
Jan 21, 2015: The 1989 film “Back to the Future II” showed life on Oct 21, 2015. So we’ve got 9 Months to invent Flying Cars.
Hot mothers in your area want you to text them to let them know you got home ok.
Don’t make me mad or so help me, I will become the 70th like on all of your future tweets.
just like to remind everyone that if you wear a stylish belt with your bathrobe it becomes a dress
I call my mother twice a week. Or as she refers to it, “Never.”
Cant believe they scheduled work at my 9-5 job the day after I decided to get drunk on a Wednesday I am appalled
[Antichrist emerging from the ground]
*looks around*
Oh, I see you’ve all been doing a good job without me.
*sees money in my bank account*
oh crap i must have forgotten a bill
If my husband doesn’t convert my ashes to ink and get me tatoo’ed into his flesh, I am coming back to dampen his socks for eternity.
My daughter just reached for the fridge and I yelled, “DON’T OPEN THE FRIDGE!”
She dropped her hand real fast and was like, “why!? What’s wrong!?”
I said, “what if there’s a salad dressing!?”
She hates me now
What idiot called them ‘Ex-fiancées’ and not ‘Near-Mrs’ ?