My son ran away again, but it gets worse. He changed the wifi password before he left.
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Human Resources just came up with a cool new term for just about everything I like to do at work. They call it “inappropriate”
Not to brag but a girl at this party said I look like the Hulk, of course it was when I was turning green from drinking too much, but still…
Me: you’re like heroin.
Her: Why? Because you’re addicted to me?
Me: No, because you’re ruining my life.
I believe that every single child, regardless of nationality or citizenship, should be forcibly removed from this country.
Him: Is that a horse drawn carriage?
Her: I can’t quite tell
Horse: *sobbing* Well you try holding a pencil with your hooves
We’ve replaced the names of the foreign countries & leaders in Trump’s speech with the names of IKEA® furniture. Let’s see if he notices
Buying a smart car seems like a good idea until you hit a squirrel and flip over a few times.
My brother’s so homophobic that if he dropped his keys in San Francisco he’d kick them to Oakland before bending over to pick them up.
Every time I swallow food coloring, I dye a little bit on the inside.
me: yo lemme get somma those THYIICC fries
kfc: you mean potato wedges?
me: yes potato wedges please
Grandpa: “I was at Normandy.”
Dad: “I was at the Battle of Khe Sanh.”
Me: “I once went to Kohl’s on Christmas Eve.”
Everyone: *gasps*
How do I answer the question “do you react well to anesthesia?” if I’m not allergic & I wake up fine but also when I had a colonoscopy I told the doctor he looked like a sexy Aladdin & when my gallbladder was removed I started singing “Smoke on the Water” to the scrub nurse?
[coming in second] Meh, I never cared about winning in the first place.
You can tell you’re getting old when the barber spends less time on the top of your head and more time on your ears.
I like to say I don’t hold on to anger but I’m also still pissed at that chick that came to my bat mitzvah and then didn’t invite me to hers.
The best part about putting your cat on a diet is the frequent wake up calls every couple of hours starting around 2am 🙃
“Let there be me.” God, just before he created himself out of nothing.
Not sure who graded these eggs as Extra-Large, but I’m guessing it was a guy.
People stick up those “Baby on Board” signs as if their infant is somehow more precious than my 4-foot travel bong.
“OH MY SWEET GOD BE CAREFUL. OH- OH MY DEAr LORD GOD. HOW? HOW??” -me watching gymnastics
Carrot raisin salad. When you want to eat something horrible, 3 times.
Handed a date my phone so he could pick a place for takeout and Postmates showed him a huge popup that said I ordered soup dumplings 3 days straight then basically said I was the #1 dumpling orderer in the city and asked if I wanted to send a personal message to the restaurant
Anyone who says time flies, has obviously never been on a treadmill.
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of doing fun stuff on the weekend we can go to a kid’s birthday party where everyone coughs.
Good morning, here are some ABBA songs that could also be about Mario:
• Mamma Mia
• Money, Money, Money
• Super Trooper
• Name of the Game
• I’ve Been Waiting For You
• The Winner Takes It AllPlease let me know if there are any more.
7: Dad what does this word mean
Me: Bring me a dictionary
*Smack up side the head
Me: Now go google that shit
“Dude, do you NOT know what a collar on the doorknob means?”
Airbnbs today: wash the towels, iron the sheets, mop the floors, defrost the freezer, mow the lawn, clean the gutters, paint the trim, dust the floorboards, check on my mother-in-law, … And don’t forget to leave us a five star review.
Her: I feel a special connection between you and I.
Me: I think you mean between you and me.
Her: I don’t mean either now.