Me: Do you like children?
Him: Yes, I love them.
Me: Good, because I become a huge child when I drink.
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Starve a cold. Feed a fever. Humiliate a rash. Flatter a migraine. Friendzone diarrhea. Date cramps. Bring anxiety home to meet the family.
My bathroom mirror after a long party weekend: girl, those vitamins can’t help you now
this is ur captain. sory for descending thru another cloud but ralph told me it was posible to land on one of these things so we keep trying
You see some crazy stuff when you’re out late at night smearing raccoon blood on your neighbours windows.
Everyone hated math in high school, but when y’all get screwed on your pay check.
BOOM, suddenly you know algebra and calculus
“Your meal is being prepared and should be delivered in 30-45 minutes”
Perfect. Just enough time to eat a sleeve of Oreos.
1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Bargaining
4. Depression
5. Acceptance
– My stages of getting ready for work
Moana is my favourite movie about The Rock continually trying to drown a little girl.
Overhead my kids arguing about what color is the “tastiest” for a banana to be eaten. One said yellow with brown spot and the other said green.
First of all, this just proves that kids can fight about anything and secondly, both of them are wrong… It’s yellow.
People really out here threatening to take twitter to court for suspending their account.
Me on my 5th acct: but, like why?
I bought a keg and bagels today. That’s what kegel is, right?
911: 911
me: I think my smoke detector is broken
911: is there smoke?
me: how would I know?
911:
me: 911 how would I know?
78, 68, 77, 69, 78, 68, 75, 65, 75, 67, 79, 60
My mom & me, changing the thermostat behind each other’s backs.
[interview]
What is your biggest weakness?
“Sometimes I’m too succinct”
Can you give an example?
“Yes”
Idk why they make you wait on the plane for so long after you land. Like you already defied the laws of gravity and carried my physical vessel all the way to Toronto and placed me gently on the ground. That was the hard part. You just have to open the door now.
Fact: If you eat a slice of pizza fast enough, your body won’t understand how many calories are in it.
Dear 16, Just between you and me, you CAN actually use too much Axe body spray. Love, Exasperated Mom
Cop: Lets go, boys, no meth in this house.
*zoom to fish tank*
Fish 1: *nods*
Fish 2: [taps on pirate ship] Resume cooking, Lenny.
*bubbles*
Always keep an axe by the front door so I can give the other Jehovah something awesome to witness.
*sitting in HR wearing devil horns*
HR: We need to talk about your attire.
Me: I was always told to dress for the job you want.
The exchange I heard between my 4 year old and my husband when an ad popped up on her tablet. 4 yo: Can I have this? Husband: No, you can’t have an online Bachelor’s Degree in Nursing
Her: Oh, a handsome man like you must be used to compliments.
Me: Yes, but do go on…
“Post Malone” is British for “mail my mortgage payment.”
You do the load of laundry that you have, not the load of laundry that you want.
Co-worker: How are you today?
Me: *starts writing death threats on the wall in period blood.*
What idiot called it a tree trimmer instead of a branch manager?
bigfoot
the abominable snowman
chupacabras
the loch ness monster
a unicorn
mermaids
restful sleep
dragons
a super walmart
werewolves
happiness
cyclops
a 2,000 calorie diet
santa claus
90% of marriage is turning on a loud appliance when your spouse calls out to you from another room.
Me: Will my girlfriend be ok using Chanel 5 if she’s never used Chanel 1-4
Salesgirl: *into walkie talkie* security he’s back here again
The older I get, the more I feel like the town elders in Footloose were actually pretty cool.