Dads will insist the Masters is exciting while also napping through it.
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Good news, guys. According to WebMD, I only have mild rabies or possibly demonic possession.
If Spider Man eats too much fruit he squirts Silly String.
TOP 5 USES FOR APPLES:
1. creating sin
2. inventing gravity
3. keeping doctors away
4. shooting off of a child’s head
5. pie
I know we’re not supposed to say this, but our second black president looks just like our first black president to me.
spicy snake
My birth announcement for our third baby
Lie about the gap in your resume. Tell them you had to help hobbits take a ring to Mordor or something
When you order 20 bananas and end up with 20 *bunches*…
[Halloween]
Lady: what are you this this year?
Me: *dressed as a phone battery meter* I’m at 10% and it’s only 7pm.
Lady: *faints*
DOG COP: sir, you ran a gray light
DOG DRIVER: it was gray!
COP: no, it was gray!
DRIVER: gray!
COP: *starts barking*
DRIVER: *barking*
Told my mum someone had been shot and she asked with what? I wanted to reply ‘with a cutlass’ but I want her to pay for masters…
Hey, parents of an only child considering having one more, know that I just split an M&M in half.
An M&M.
In half.
Have kids, so people who drink their own bath water can critique your cooking.
I think Grandma enjoyed giving everyone the wrong impression saying her friend Iris died by the needle when she was actually stabbed during knitting club.
Every husband sings this song 😂🤣😂 🤣😂🤣
The ending is priceless 😆😆😆
Video Credit: Jason Chen Music
Slack jaw. Vacant eyes. All symptoms of someone listening to me talk.
*hears someone breaking in*
*grabs gun and walks down hallway*
*cord drags*
*realizes I grabbed Nintendo gun from Duck Hunt*
*gets shot*
Maced a hobo who started pulling cables out of my computer at work.
Turned out to be the hipster IT guy and now I’m in HR again.
“It’s not what it looks like,” I say to the bunny noticing my slippers.
An app told me I had a notification and the notification was that there were no new notifications, so we’re all dealing with a lot rn
Just know that when I say “the other day” I actually mean anytime between yesterday and 10 years ago.
her: aww you’re a cat dad!!
me: yeah, part of me thinks cats ward off evil spirits or multidimensional beings
her: oh-
me: that’s probably why they kill so many birds
her: i… um…
me: and also they’re tiny lil angel babies
her: yay!!!
If you think a 30 sec ad is bad try waiting until news at 11 to “find out what’s been poisoning your family”
BACTERIA 1: [runs toward pizza that has just been dropped on the floor]
BACTERIA 2: [football tackles him to the ground] YOU HAVE TO WAIT FIVE SECONDS SEBASTIAN
“You have such a great personality”
Me: Thanks, I collect them.
Son: Dad can sand melt?
Me putting down my glass: Don’t be ridiculous of course it can’t
Yesterday my boss asked why I was tardy and I said, “I don’t think you’re supposed call people that any more.”
listen, if your girl ever has to move home for a few weeks to save a family business whilst in the company of a charming slacker she once had a crush on in high school, you’re gonna have a bad time
When I was 6 my cousin stole my boomerang. The next day his parents died in a car crash. Andy, if you’re reading this, I want my boomerang.
What’s the longest you’ve walked around looking for your raccoon when it was on your head the whole time.
My personal best is 16 hours.