My personal favorite unit of measurement is whether or not something is considered “a big whoop”
You Might Also Like
(burglar breaks into my house)
me: Reginald, kill!
pet caterpillar: *scooch scooch scooch*
Doing my civic duty by ensuring that my students know the difference between “lose” and “loose.”
Why does Jehovah need so many witnesses?
Sounds like a pretty shady dude to me.
The first 36 years of my childhood have been the hardest.
They need a coach to help people deplane. “You can do this… grab your bag. You got it. Now go! GO! GO! Get off the plane, you idiot!”
people are saying The Quiet Place is a scary movie but as a husband and father of four it sounds magical
Instructor: Welcome to our Summer with Kids Preparedness class. Our first lesson is how to apply sunscreen. Everyone grab an angry raccoon.
me: [climbing a tree]
bonsai artist: please stop
*a ship carrying pineapples gets wrecked*
Government: Housing infrastructure for SpongeBobs was delivered directly to them, cutting out all the red tape, and middlemen.
I dig, you dig, we dig, he dig, she dig, they dig…. Its not a beautiful poem, but its very deep.
True crime was invented to remind people that life could be worse
me: i knocked through a fake wall in my bathroom and there was a whole secret furnished room behind there
friend: you live in an apartment complex
me: oh yeah
[ field trip to the zoo ]
Teacher: what’s your favorite animal?
Debra: I like zebras!
Deborah: I like zeborahs!
“Ok J Lo, we have a movie for you.”
“Is the male lead obsessed with me?”
“Yes.”
“I’ll do it.”
When someone tells me to ‘Take Care’ I’m all like: Are you threatening me muthafucker? Then we laugh & laugh & then I kill’em, just in case.
Fan girl on the devil when you arrive in hell by telling him you’re a huge fan of his food cake
You want me to work for exposure? the thing that killed Marie Curie?
Every nature documentary has a pointless & soft lit cameo by a dung beetle that makes you suspect it’s dating the director
My mom: sure use any towel.
Also my mom: not that one.
Work said I was going to do a drug test today. So far I haven’t tested any drugs, but this weird guy asked me to urinate in a cup.
[Getting lucky on the first date]
Me: Hey, there’s an onion ring in my fries!
Ugh, I hate when my bath sandwich gets all wet
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who didn’t really want you to take a bite of the cookie he offered you
Wife: You’re shirtless?
*nods*
W: And covered in…oil?
-Well, you know how you always say I never glisten?
W: Listen. You never listen.
-Oh
you ever try to cook with friends who swear up and down they don’t know how to cook from scratch? you kind of laugh it off at first (just follow the recipe how hard could it be) and then you realize they don’t know how to chop a tomato
I asked my wife if I can count on her, she said I always can.
I sat on her lap and said “One, two, three, four, five”
1st base is watching horror movies together. 2nd base is asking if they think birds are real. 3rd base is determining whether they are prepared for a zombie apocalypse. Home base is abandoning society & moving into the woods together.
Don’t tell me you got problems. This is a serious problem 😠
Rival dad invited us over for dinner and I offered to sharpen his kitchen knives right in front of his wife and kids.