I’m pretty sure the coupon I gave you for a $7 haircut suggests that I’m not interested in that $44 bottle of shampoo, but thank you.
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I put some fridge magnets on my fridge door and now it’s covered in fridges
The shortest distance between two points is over a cyclist.
~Australian drivers, apparently.
Marriage is one spouse cooking and the other deciding to block them by unloading the dishwasher and ending the argument by rage folding laundry
My sex moves can best be described as trapped with an angry cat on a punctured water bed
There’s no ‘i’ in gaslight.
Desperation
-Fragrance by Social Media
Close call…
I told my kids I’d rather they “pull the plug” than let me live in a vegetative state dependent on machines.
So they hid my phone charger.
*at the red lobster*
me: i will have the red lobster
waiter: okay
SISTER: i’m engaged!
ME: awwwwwwwwewwww
SISTER: did you sneak an ‘ew’ in there
ME: …no
Remember to check on elderly neighbours in this hot weather, as they usually have ice creams in the freezer.
My 8 yo has learned how to play Chuck Berry’s “my ding a ling” on the piano. I’m proud and also in hell. Please help.
the 2yr old is walking around going, “sus, sus,” and I wondered what I was doing to have him question my motives.
turns out he just wanted apple sauce
condom commercials should just be a live-feed of couples trying to enjoy a decent meal at a restaurant with their kids
me, age 7: I want to be an adult so I can eat as many pickles as I want
me, age 30, eating pickles: haha hell yeah
I saved 15 per
cent on my insurance by
switching to haiku.
Imagine if you had a sunflower seed as big as a laptop. That is everyday life for a hamster.
You’re not alone. You have an ecosystem of microorganisms on your skin.
I’m not saying I could stand to diet, I’m just saying I did a few jumping jacks and all the car alarms started going off in the neighborhood.
There are many to choose from but my favorite quote from the Godfather is when he says “it’s-a me, The Godfather”
I see dead people.
No wait, I take that back.
I see people I want dead.
dracula: you gotta stop
me: [after turning another vegan into a vampire] lmao but they get SO mad
picture a potato but sexy
lol i just tricked u into thinking of me naked
I hate when our cat runs into the room, hisses at an empty chair then runs back out and I end up in the bathtub holding a crucifix.
Kids are like mosquitoes…
…when they stop making a noise, start worrying
I wanted my girlfriend to give me some time alone so we got married.
Her: oh my god i’m so wet
Me: have you tried putting it in rice?
Autocorrect changed “you flatter me” to “you flatten me” and shit just got really weird.
Asking the hard questions like:
Is this my fault?
Could I have prevented it?
How do I dispose of a body?
People be like “do what makes you happy” and then complain when I’m drunk again