Jesus: One among you will betray me.
John: No way dude.
Matthew: No way dude.
Judas: *thumbing through designer cross catalogue* Plausible.
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My parents are replacing a toilet in the house I grew up in, so now it’s just some potty that I used to know.
Thanks for following.
Due to traffic, I didn’t show up on time for the start of my wife’s art opening and so for the rest of the evening she introduced me as her late husband.
Never read the comments. Unless you’re posting a comment. Then, read all the comments, because 40 other people already said that, genius.
Never Never Never tell someone you are patient.
They will test you…
Honey, were out of snake food.
“What? For what snake?”
Honey, I bought a snake
Chivalry is just the study of green onions right?
Cop: anything in your pockets I should be aware of?
Me: I don’t think so
Cop: *pulls out egg*
Me: what lol
Cop: *pulls out another egg*
Me: wait how are you doing that?
Cop: *pulls out third egg*
Me: ok mister
Cop: *pulls out egg carton*
Me: what a fun time we’re having
Coworker: You look tired.
Me: Apparently I also look approachable but I’m really not.
I could’ve chosen a life of crime but it seems like it would interfere with my 9pm bedtime.
My husband’s family tree is more like a rosebush.
It’s filled with pricks.
If they ban straws, that means I can no longer flirtatiously blow the straw wrapper at my date and that is literally my only move.
Message from the dog groomers
[buys new refrigerator with water dispenser]
day 1: I will never tire of this water dispenser
day 15: still luvin’ this water dispenserday 4563: wahey! water dispenser
Wife: You’ve been a naughty boy…
Me: Yes I have!
Wife: *Removes mask to reveal she is actually Santa*
Me: NOOOOOOOOOOO
I thought the English would use more sophisticated gifs but, sadly, no. Nothing Dickensian or Shakespearean. Just lots of Hugh Grant shrugging.
Accidentally threw out the lid of the ice cream. Now I’ve no choice but to eat it all.
Body: so tired
Brain: can’t sleep
Body: okay then, let’s pee every 15 minutes
One two three whole cakes devoured, and suddenly nobody believes you’re on a diet
Food is love and love is terrifying so my chili might kill you.
The guy who pumped our septic tank said everything was good & I felt the same accidental pride that I feel when the dental hygienist says my teeth are ok.
triscuits are the perfect snack for anyone who has ever wanted to eat wicker furniture
A Kids thought…..I found a whip, a mask and handcuffs in my mums bedroom.
I can’t believe it… she’s a superhero
My boyfriend tried to make me have sex on the hood of his Honda Civic. I refused. If I’m going to have sex, it’s going to be on my own Accord.
All toilet seats can be heated toilet seats if you push people off them and sit real fast.
ME: scalpel
NURSE: scalpel
M: sclissors
N: scissors
M: neeble
N: are u sure u should operate on ur own brain
M: *nods head diagonally* toast
Bob the Builder: can we fix it?
Bob’s Wife’s Attorney: please just sign the papers, Robert.
Men love me.
Germs fear me.Or vice versa, whatever
Damn girl, are you a desk? Cause I’m not exactly sure how to pick you up
“You ruined everything.”
-People exaggerating when you only ruined like one or two things, tops
me: do you serve crabs here?
waiter: yes, we do
my crab: *taking off his jacket* finally