I love when people spend 7 minutes trying to back into a parking space just so they can leave “quicker”
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Do not tell a kid you didn’t understand his joke unless you have 4 hours free to hear the explanation.
[lying in front of the fire]
11: Do you think she’s asleep or dead?
9: *throws toy, 2 massive dogs pounce on me*
Me: *screams*
9: Asleep
That awkward moment when I give a guy a fake phone number and he tries to call it in front of me.. #OhShiiiit
*pulling up to the mcdonald’s drive thru*
me: can i get an order of prescription-strength french fries, please
*approaches woman in club*
Me: Would you like to dance?
Her: Sure.
Me: While you’re dancing can I sit in your chair? I’m really tired.
Flight attendant: As you’ve sat near the emergency doors, you have to help me in an emergency
Me: ok[3 months later]
Flight attendant *calling me* omg help I’ve been stabbed
Me: wtf
There is a piece of aluminum foil blowing across the road and all I can think is that one of you is without your protective headgear today.
*Pops up out of your shower drain.
You really should look into a home security system. Let me tell you why ADT is right for you.
Running shoes? No, I don’t run. These are my cake gettin’ shoes.
lol sometimes I-
[a mum] “yeah well TRY HAVING KIDS”
I’m calling Facebook “Mom” now because all it does is tell me who from my high school is engaged and remind me about my cousins’ birthdays.
Cop: There’s been another break in at the bakery.
Swan: I wouldn’t know anything about it.
Cop: *hands him a bread roll*
Swan: Word at the pond is that ducks did it, but you didn’t hear it from me.
*Toddler walks up, kisses my knee, turns away*
“Aw! Aren’t you sweet?”
*Toddler kisses refrigerator, cabinet door and dishwasher*
“Oh.”
Autocorrect changed “stranger” to “strangler” & it made me wonder how often I must have written about murdering people to teach it that.
Don’t talk to me, I’m sober.
OMG guys just watched the news and those “COEXIST” bumper stickers totally aren’t working :/
They say chimps are our closest relatives, but mine’s actually my mum.
Raise the roof!
The roof is on fire!
Hit the club!
Bust those moves!
Burning the dance floor!– RL partying sounds so violent
Date: “You’re very tall! Do you play basketball?”
Me: “You’re very fat. Are you a sumo wrestler?”
Today’s fortune cookie reads: ‘you are the only human in this restaurant don’t look up’
Please excuse the house, we’re remodeling.
– whenever we have company and are never remodeling
Teachers at the pre-school ask why I’m in a good mood in the morning…
I’m like, “Duh…did you not see me just leave my kids with you?”
“africanized killer bees” are trending so it’s a good time to mention that Killer Bees are literally an escaped scientific experiment gone wrong, like in the movies
[making the first boat]
“How do we get across this river?”
ME: we gotta build a boat
“What’s a boat?”
ME: that’s what we gotta figure out
I just battle rapped my 4 year-old and rhymed “take a nap” with “piece of crap” so don’t tell me about your parenting skills.
Beer: When are you coming home.
Me: Right away honey.See. Marriage works. Just choose the right wife.
If you see someone wearing camouflage clothing, bump into them.
It only takes a second of your time & it makes them feel like it works.
After I ask a stranger if I can pet their dog and they say yes, I like to respond, “I’ll keep that in mind” and walk off
Cashier’s playing dumb cause I said “venti” at a non-Starbucks. You know what I mean, dude, just point me to the biggest dildo you guys got.
Her: Hi! How’ve you been?
Me: Great! You?
Her: So good! Family?
Me: Great! Yours?
Her: Good!
Me: Let’s catch up soon.
Her: Definitely! Call me.Husband: Who was that?
Me: I have no idea.