I have a lot of disdain for anyone in the top 1% who hasn’t become Batman.
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*changes voicemail recording to “your call cannot be completed as dialed. Please check the number and dial again
This is literally the only instance I’ve ever seen someone “asking for it”
*puts on Rocky theme music*
*cracks neck*
*cracks knuckles*
*stretches*
*jogs in place*
*picks up phone to call mom*
They should punish kids who do well in school with more homework to prepare them for what happens to people who are efficient at their jobs.
My date told me I have nice skin. It’s not like he’s gonna make a mask out of it right? *nervous laugh*
a fun game to play with a chiropractor is to go completely limp after they pop your neck just to see what they do
11-year-old: We had a standardized test all morning.
Me: What was it testing?
11: My patience.
COP: So what happened?
ME: He stole my watch & jumped over a hedge
COP: Can you describe it?
ME: It’s like a wall with leaves
My husband thinks it’s embarrassing when I sing to my tomato plants when the neighbors are outside. But I think it’s embarrassing he doesn’t.
7-year-old: You got a letter!
Me: It’s a bill. I owe money.
7: Not if you throw it away.
She’s my financial planner now.
Remember, YOUR God is real. All those other Gods are ridiculous, made-up nonsense. But not yours. Your God is real. Whichever one that is.
Beautiful day in Ohio. Went out for a run but I was back home in a couple of minutes because I forgot something. I forgot that I’m old and fat and can’t run for more than two minutes. if that.
I’m disgusted every time someone does a gender reveal and it’s a gender I already know about, what kind of reveal is that
On Facebook:
Them: Look! We’re at the beach!
Me: Look! I’m in your house!
“Donatello choose ur weapon”
“I’ll take a stick”
“Really not a sword? Nunchu..”
“A STICK”
“Ha I guess u wanna wear purple too?”
“…”
“Ugh”
Neighbour: You have a ghost in this house
Me: What, really?
Neighbour: Promise me you’ll get an exorcist
Me: I promise
Neighbour: It’s important because you live alone
Me: No I don’t
Her: Thank you, I promise
Me: Oh God
Actually parents are supposed to steal their kid’s Halloween candy; that’s how you prevent cavities.
I’m a little sad about my weight gain, but like they say, “suck it up, cup of butter.”
Autocorrect is why I have crust issues.
Whales accidentally eat 8 people in their sleep every year
Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car…..
*Someone messages me*
I hope your well
And I’m like, you hope my well what?
You hope my well is fine?
You hope my well is providing me with clean water?HOW DO YOU KNOW I HAVE A WELL, WHAT DO YOU HOPE FOR IT & WHY CAN’T YOU FINISH YOUR SENTENCE?
My roomba taught me the secrets to winning the Robot War:
Robots…
– don’t respond to yelling
– can’t deal with rugs with tassels
– become obsessed with vestibules
– are defeated by hair
– hate being picked up
My 5yo and 6yo are playing restaurant. My 6yo’s restaurant has a no baby policy. My 5yo has 5 babies and is very angry about this. She’s causing a whole scene at the restaurant. The babies are crying, it’s crazy. I’m trying my best not to get involved in this.
[Folding my wife’s laundry after 7 years]
Pile 1 – I have folded these correctly
Pile 2 – I think I have folded these correctly
Pile 3 – I have no idea how to fold these
Pile 4 – I don’t even know what these are
[kung fu fight]
“Your tiger claw is no match for my crane.”
*starts lifting heavy building materials*
“Microdosing is for the weak” I whisper as I backflip onto a centaur and skip off over the rainbow
a cute girl stopped behind my laptop as I was full screen on a pic of bread and I didn’t know what to say so I stammered out “I like bread”
Make librarians cry by calling it a “Book Museum” while taking pictures with your iPad.
therapist: these people who think you’re “funny” *takes off his glasses* are they in the room with us right now?