“They say children learn by example, even for potty training.”
-I explain to my horrified neighbor as my son and dog poop on the lawn
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Wonder Woman is in theaters June 2nd. But if you want a sneak preview, watch Sally Yates’ performance in front of the Senate.
Hello. My name is Ellie & I just got off the bus while listening to King Of Rock & Roll by Prefab Sprout & accidentally said “hot dog” instead of “thank you” to the driver. I must now leave this planet & never return. Farewell.
*Jesus, bursting out of a chest cavity, spraying the room with blood and viscera*
“My God, Johnny? DID YOU LET CHRIST INTO YOUR HEART?!?”
They say you are what you eat.
I don’t remember eating an embarrassment to my family.
PRINCE CHARMING: The glass slipper fits! You’re my true love!
CINDERELLA: worst 👏 dating app 👏 ever
I’ll stick with papa johns 🤣🤣🤣
“I left my carrot cake from the restaurant in the Uber” and other sad tales of city living.
My son fell asleep early, so I’m going to live like I did before having kids!
*cooks on front burner of the stove*
Last minute gift idea:
Give someone a bucket of water and tell them your sorry their ice sculpture melted
person: wanna be friends and get to know each other at a normal pace?
me: wanna write a movie together toDAY???
My friend is so frugal if he starts dreaming good he wakes up so as to not spend it all at one time.
“wya?” my limit bro. i’m at my limit
God: you’re a parrot.
Parrot: ok.
God: you can repeat everything you hear.
Parrot: humans are the worst.
God: uh what?
Parrot: i’ll prolly kill them in a flood soon.
God:
Parrot:
God: what’s it gonna take to keep this quiet?
Parrot: I wanna live in a tropical paradise.
Wanna see my Oscar?
*knocks on garbage can lid*
Quick question for the medical professionals, should my blood glucose number be higher or lower than the mileage on my 6-year-old car
[restaurant]
can I get 8 single slices of pepperoni pizza please?
-how bout just one whole pizza instead?
oh no I can’t eat a whole pizza
how about a movie where an old man teaches a kid karate with the ulterior motive for him to one day win a car waxing contest
HIM: You know what we should do at our wedding reception?
[at the same time]
ME: Murder-suicide
HIM: The chicken dance!
[out in public]
Me: A kid is crying.
Wife: It’s not one of ours.
[we fist bump]
Incredible news from Britain. This changes everything
If you think it hurts to lose a boyfriend/girlfriend, you’ve clearly never lost close to 500 GB’s worth of data on your hard drive.
People who argue in public, would it kill you to enunciate and give a little backstory?
Two days in a row someone has tried using my Apple Card to buy flowers. Buddy, walk over to your neighbors garden and steal some roses like a real man. The world has gone soft.
if u hurt ur leg u can use the frozen veggies at whole foods as ice packs 4 free. hold on im getting an update from the manager. no u cannot
Me: Bob, it’s pronounced CHANGING, not a-changin’.
Bob Dylan: ?
Me: Can someone teach Bob to say CHANGE?
*David Bowie stands up*
Me: Not you
[heaven]
ME: so about those footprints…
GOD: footprints?
ME: from when you carried me
GOD: wasn’t me
ME: well then who—
GOD: *shivers* that’s some spooky shit
I don’t know much about women but they love containers that hold smaller containers.
[grocery store]
MOM: omg where’s my kid??!
KIDNAPPER: [retired] cereal aisle
MOM: oh thank heavens
“Susan cancel my 2 o’clock”
Both hands stuck in Pringles cans again? Here let me help
“no no no I need to learn to do this on my own”