I hope I never meet the girl of my dreams because she’s a thirty foot half witch half crocodile who chases me endlessly through darkness.
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Just drank two 5-Hour Energy shots. Will I get 10 hours of energy? And why is that rainbow giggling at me? AndAHH MY SKIN IS ON INSIDE-OUT!
people are like ooohhh you’re twice divorced? yes. i like getting divorced, ok?
My girlfriend is pissed that I just matched with her on Tinder.
sitcoms would be a lot more believable if they had 5 loads of laundry waiting to be folded on the sofa
Somewhere out there, there must be a toddler who has eaten all of their dinner after only being asked once. I want to believe.
*first day as salsa dancer
“I’m not cleaning this up.”
Got caught by three red lights on my way home and now my avocados are bad
life hack: put on an apron at home and people think you’re super busy doing important stuff even when you’re not
I only eat chips because I feel that people would judge me if I ate the dip with a spoon
Adding oatmeal to your bath soap doesn’t make it taste any better
Airline just told my GF she has too much baggage & they’ve only known her a couple of minutes.
*watches an extremely cute guy flirt with an equally cute girl at the gym from the floor above like an old witch on a mountain*
“I love having my toddlers surprise me by joining my shower. Not only is it relaxing and efficient, it’s eco friendly.”
SAID NO MOM EVER
How come Yoko Ono didn’t marry someone from Nickleback instead?
Anyone mad about favstar shutting down can mail me $30, and I’ll tell your friend you like their tweet.
“Here’s Ted with the weather.”
“…”
“I said… Here’s Ted with the weather.”
“…”
“Ted?”
“THAT’s what an unanswered text feels like, Sue.”
Me : Sorry Boss, I’m late as I had to drop my girlfriend at her college.
Boss : If you are late again you are fired.
Me : Fine, YOU can drop your daughter at college from tomorrow.
chicken: [stamps out cigarette] have you even once considered that THIS is the other side of the road?
‘What do we want?’, ‘A really fast car to drive past!’, ‘When do we want it?’, ‘Nnneyowwwww’
At the beach, looking at all these fit young people, with their perfect bodies and perfect tans and I think “I wish I could be a shark”.
Left water in the car in case I was thirsty & now I can boil pasta in my mouth.
As the mother of two kids under 5, I’m always playing a game I call “Is this normal, or is my child a sociopath?”
If you send multiple one sentence texts, I will mail a raccoon to your face I’m not kidding.
There’s an old sheet of paper in the Batcave with “Carrier pigeons” “Carrier bats (??)” “Morse code” crossed out, and “Searchlight” circled.
Me: In my day we all had to watch the same thing, at the same time, on the same screen
My kids: NOOOOO!!!
I can’t keep up with all of these fake national holidays. So on that note, Happy Merry Brother Sister Taco Baby Mama Daddy Cat Dog Ice Cream Day. Oh and Peanut Butter
*demon enters my body
*20 minutes later, demon calls an exorcist
I didn’t see a single avenger die when Obama was president
To Do List While in Jail
1. Ask someone for an Eskimo kiss and when they shake their head no say,”Hey why’d you start without me?”
2.
3.
[At the car dealership]
Me: See, this has everything I want, right here
Salesman: Sir, our soda machine is not for sale