Apparently everyone on the zoom calls outside my office finds my singing distracting.
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[noticing that the girl i’m talking to at the bar is wearing a ring] I see you’ve won a super bowl
If my reaction to seeing a spider is anything like the rest of yours, we are not going to fare well as a species when aliens invade
[a mass poisoning of football players]
detective 1: I think there was mercury in the Gatorade
detective 2: Johnson, this is no time for your stupid astrology mumbo-jumbo
WIFE: The neighbours are having a big Star Wars themed party.
ME: A Boba Fete.
HER: You’re not invited.
Finally, an explanation.
It’s nothing serious, we’re not dating or anything, we just sometimes get brunch together, were just Friends with Benedict.
Wife: So what are you going to do in retirement?
Me: My dream is to have my own taco truck.
Wife: You want to run a business?
Me: Business?
Aisle 3: oh my god hi!
Aisle 5: haha hi
Aisle 9: yeah hello…
Aisle 10: [little smile]
Aisle 13: I swear to god I will cut you if I see your face again-Death spiral of a friendship when you keep running into them at Target
Ever realize the only thing stopping you from a life of crime is a good night’s sleep? Anyway, I slept well.
FYI those little crosses along the interstate aren’t for squirrel crucifixions. I was wrong. The article I wrote about this was wrong.
if *I* were a baby with no appointments or responsibilities, I would simply not wake up at 5.45am
I used to work at McDonald’s and we only told ugly people that the ice cream machine was broken
So I have bad news if you were ever denied ice cream
For people who say “nothing is impossible”, that’s crazy. I’ve been successfully doing nothing for several years now.
Babies are just like turtles, keep them in water and also feed them turtle food.
Don’t talk to me until after I’ve had my breakfast beer
When my sister in-law was a waitress in Canada, she was taking drink orders from a group of Americans. They each ordered a glass of red wine. She suggested they choose a LITRE instead. They spoke among themselves and one man put up his hand and said – “I’ll be the leader.”
*cop pulls me over*
Have you been drinking?
No I-
*water bottle now full of wine*
*officer lowers shades. its Jesus*
No one will believe you
Can’t believe people still say “pot” it’s not the 70s anymore we call it “saucepan” now
I been working on my summer bod: it the same as my regular body, but this time more popsackles in it.
*Meeting GF parents*
What are your intentions with our daughter?
Uh I need someone to sing the girl parts of Grease songs with me
There’s a Hanna-Barbera Godzilla coloring book filled with awful jokes. But if you rearrange some pages, a tragic story unfolds
Complete list of all the words I know to “The Macarena”:
1- Hey
2- Macarena
My wife went on a lot of roller coasters when she was pregnant with our daughter Katelyn, and you can tell 🙁
[chick-fil-a]
EMPLOYEE: can i take your order?
ME: yes, thank you for asking
EMPLOYEE: my pleasure
ME: and thank you for saying it was your pleasure
EMPLOYEE: please don’t do this
ME: oh i’m just getting started
If a cop yells at you to GET DOWN just start twerking cause damn, dude, be more specific
The 50k lady’s grandfather left her money that he could’ve spent on himself, and she handed it to scammers. Folks, NEVER provide for your family
me: so did it hurt?
her: yes, a lot
me: when i splashed that salsa in your eye?
her: I SAID YES
Thanks, I wrote the tweet. There’s no need to reiterate it back to me with quotation marks.
Why spend money on graduate school when my mom can give you the third degree for free