True friends know where you keep the blank check for your bail.
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[Snake Owners Club]
Thanks for coming. A reminder, stuffing an animal into a sock does NOT make it a snake.
[Me & like 3 other guys leave]
My husband asked me why I never blink during sex, I told him there just isn’t enough time.
If anyone wants to watch the Super Bowl on a 72″ 8k TV, come on over to my place (and bring a 72″ 8k TV).
“Annie are you ok?”
-yep
“Are you ok?”
-dude, I just said yes
“Are you ok Annie?”
-THIS IS WHY YOU DON’T HAVE ANY FRIENDS MICHAEL
As an adult I’ve caused the most trouble by pressing ‘send’
I love chasing after you…
* me to the ice cream man driving down the road
BREAKING NEWS: lost city of atlantis found in detroit pothole
Things I’ve learned in life
1. Never tickle a stranger at a bar or at the urinal.2….
That’s it. Just don’t tickle people you don’t know
*Goes to Nirvana themed
“Come as you are” Party**Gets arrested for indecent exposure*
Always use your best photos for your profile on FB.
Cause those are the photos the media will use if something horrible happens to you.
Someone asked me why I was wearing a fake AirPod… bro that’s my hearing aid
absolutlely despise when a recipe tells me to add 2 cups of onion. they don’t come in cups. they come in onions
You: (tweeting something personal and profound)
Me: (replying to said tweet) *you’re
*puts leash around pet lobster*
I think there will be games and lots of friends to play with Pinchy
*walks into Lobsterfest*
COVER YOUR EYES
Bananas should have really loud wrappers, like hey, look at me, I’m eating fruit!
Candy should have soft wrappers like, shhhh, I’m a loser.
We’ve secretly replaced Janet’s coffee with melatonin capsules. Let’s see if— okay yeah, she noticed. She looks pissed. Sleepy, but pissed…
‘THE POWER OF CHRIST COMPELS YOU!’
~me, parenting teens
WHAT DO WE WANT!!!
A cure for hangovers
WHEN DO WE WANT IT!!!
Please stop yelling
Reporter: are you nervous about the fight?
Me nervously: no
Reporter: he said he’s going to ‘rip your heart out’
Me crying: but I need it
[first day as a pilot]
Me: we’re about to hit some mild turbulence and then a mountain
I used to think my chiropractor couldn’t fix my back problem but now I stand corrected
[in the insect dissection room]
Your fly is open.
🎵 These cheese curds are beyond compare
I can watch the hockey there
I wear my toque and back bacon is keen
Eat Tim Horton’s with no cares
Share my french fries with some bears
But I cannot compete with you
Poutine
I’m crying and wearing a falcon glove so I get sympathy sex from people who think my falcon flew away.
So the ex texted me
Guy waking up in saw trap if Saw was British: right. what’s all this then
prince of whales, doo doo doo doo doo doo
“You know who James Earl Jones looks like? William Shatner. Or Katy Perry.”
– My kid, who has apparently seen none of these people
My kids: ROAD TRIP!
My kids, ten minutes later: