People always talk about having backup Singers and I’m like, why would I need two sewing machines?
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“Well … I’ll be dammed.”
Bodies of water when they see beavers coming.
not reading the comments on ads is a crime tbh
All I’m saying is, no word’s meaning changes more as you age than the word party.
If you’re Harpy
and you know it
lay an egg
Interviewer: What are you passionate about? I want someone who’s full of passion. Passion is so motivational.
Me: I’m passionate about a paycheque, sir.
“I just can’t wait to hear the audible gasps of amazement from everyone who enters my house.”
-Me after spending 6 minutes cleaning
Text: ARE YOU ALIVE? Me: Why?
[me telling a joke]
guy wearing a “Make America Great Again” hat: I don’t understand.
ME: There’s probably a lot you don’t understand.
[blind date]
HER: I love classic rock.
ME: (trying to impress) I’ve been to Stonehenge.
Me *drooling
It’s not you, it’s the pepper jack.
Sometimes I’m eating chips and I pick up a chip crumb off my shirt and eat it but it’s a different flavor of chip than I’m currently eating.
CAT: so thirsty
ME: *gives water*
CAT: *knocks bowl over on purpose*
CAT: hey! dying of thirst here
There should be a place on the organ donor card that lets you leave your middle finger to a person you hate.
Played twister with my kids and now hold the world record for saying, “That’s not your left foot” a billion times.
I didn’t hit him with my car…
I massaged him with my wheels.
The best part about being thirty is that I’m finally old enough to play a high schooler in movies.
A man at a cemetery for Titanic victims claims to have taken a photo of a ghost. The ghost reportedly said “there was room for two people.”
Many people told me I would benefit exposing myself to art.
So I guess pigeons are actually wealthy: “Racing pigeon sells for record $1.9 million after frantic bidding war.”
*shows up to the cool people party with the bag of coke I promised
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: What would you like-
ME: I’D LIKE TO CREATE A SHOW ABOUT A DOG WHO FLIPS HOUSES
SE: -on your sandwich?
ME: FIXER PUPPER
My wife has like 20% of a conversation in her head before she decides to bring me into it. We can be driving in silence and she’ll just be like “and then we’ll pick the kids up and go straight from there.”
“You know what pal, lay your own damn eggs” – jerk chicken
Assert dominance and avoid the family gatherings this week by getting them all restraining orders for Christmas
[Invention of the universal remote]
“This changes everything.”
The Lord of the Rings is my favorite movie about how he didn’t go to Jared®️
The ways printers are like kids:
1. Need feeding
2. Are noisy
3. Can’t function when offline
The opposite of a vegan is a Texan
Libra: Many good things are in store for you! Unfortunately, the store is closed for repairs.
Me: It’s time to take a bath.
6: Ugh, I took one a few days ago!
Me: Yeah, you gotta keep taking those.
6: For my whole life?
Me: Yes
6: What!? Uggggghhhhh