“Mom can you take this scratch off my leg?” and other ludicrous requests my kids have
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Judge “The defendant must answer in his own voice.”
Dummy “This is my own voice.”
Ventriloquist “I’d like to request separate lawyers.”
If one door closes & another door opens, you’re probably in prison.
I’ve got just over 13 hours to lose 35 pounds and finish a novel
Went by the house where I grew up. Asked to go in to look around, but they said no and shut the door in my face. My parents can be so rude.
My kid just told me he needs to take 120 of something to school tomorrow, so his choices are cheerios or my tears
I once scaled a mountain to seek the wisdom of a Tibetan monk. He said life is like a gum ball machine, sometimes it takes your quarter and you get nothing. Then he charged me a dollar.
What did Jay-Z call Beyoncé before they got married?
Feyoncé…
My knee hurts so bad today and I have tried everything under the sun to make it feel better— everything except vodka.
That ends five minutes ago.
A water balloon fight but the balloons are filled with meaty chili
Oh well….there’s always tomorrow!
#hopespringseternal
Robber: I’ll kill you if your wife doesn’t answer my questions
Me: Oh God ok
Robber: Where’s the safe?
Wife: Over there
Robber: What’s the code?
Wife: 5743
Robber: What do you want for dinner?
Me: oh no
Yep, it’s true👇🏼😂😂😂
Dogs make everything better, unless you’re making a bed.
“I have a favourite hole”, me, at the pool table.
i won’t rest until we get a netflix category where we can be on our phones and still understand the plot.
I swear people love me but my Uber score says differently.
BOSS: What’s going on here?
ME: Dave’s mad because he specifically labelled his sandwich in the fridge and I accidentally-
DAVE: Not accidentally, on purpose!!
ME: ugh ok FINE. And I, “on purpose”, slept with his wife
we talk a lot of shit about men but without them we wouldn’t have forensic files, 48 hours, dateline, some 20/20s, serial, on the case with paula zahn, cold case, my favorite murder, making a murderer, homicide hunter,
Me: I can’t find my straight jacket.
Him: Please stop calling your sports bra that.
Luke: Lightsabers cut through anything.
Ninja: So does a samurai sword.
L: But does it make a cool noise?
N: *cuts off Luke’s other hand*
Suggested movie theater prices: Adults – $9.00, Under 12 – $ 6.00, Under 3 – $249.00
I get distracted pretty eas
If my mobile provider started charging 3 times as much as their nearest competitor but there was no voicemail, I’d still stay with them.
ELEPHANT COP: I recognize you
LION: I just have one of those familiar faces
ELEPHANT COP: You don’t know who the hell you’re dealing with
Hell hath no fury like me when I’m ranting and someone interrupts me with rationale.
Me: You shifted your bar to the rooftop from the basement?
Him:
Him: Yes, I raised the bar.
How to resolve a complaint from neighbours
Wrong answers only
Answer: Marriage
[knock on door]
JEHOVAH’S WITNESS: do you have a few minutes to talk about jesus?
ME (hates gossip): no