Human are so complicated
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Why’d they call it a catapult and not an over the shoulder boulder holder?
Life is like a can of mixed nuts. No matter how hard you try to get all kinds, you’re always left with a bunch of peanuts in the end.
After looking at pics from before my 7yr old was born she said “You’re really not as young and pretty anymore but I like how you look now because you look like my mom.”
* I mean aww sweet but also hello back handed compliment. This girl is fierce.
him: what are you looking for on this dating site?
me: someone who will hold the cats down so I can take pics of them wearing sunglasses.
at ease…shoulder.
GIRLFRIEND: So tell me something I don’t already know about you.
ME: During October I call my Dyson ‘Count Vacula’
HER: I need to see other people.
When I dropped your baby, that was traumatic for me too. Maybe think about my feelings for once.
Always be yourself.
Unless you’re Monday. Monday, how about you try being like Friday for once!
Cop: Ma’am, Are you intoxicated?
Me: Are YOU intoxicated!
Cop: No
Me: Prove it!
Cop: *puts handcuffs on me*
Me: I like where this is going.
The best part of working retail is when a customer insists you “check in the back”
Our inventory system is pretty rock solid, Susan, but sure, I could use a 5 minute break pretending to look
A third zebra strolls casually while whistling and pretending to read a newspaper onto Noah’s ark.
What idiot called them ‘religious pamphlets’ and not ‘belieflets’?
me: wow that exam was easy
*gets a 53*
You can let me hold your baby I won’t drop it. If you think I’m the kind of person who would drop a baby you’re flat wrong. And if you’re the sort of person who believes unsubstantiated rumors about me dropping babies, well I just feel sorry for you.
[first rap battle]
me: call me artisanal burger because i’m falling apart
opponent: please stop crying
Day 70 without sex my doctor asked me “are you sexually active” I said why whachu tryna do.
I like “found family” over “chosen family” because it makes it sound like I discovered them under a rock. like bugs. or worms
I’m sorry I need to take a break from investigating this brutal murder to have a glass of red wine in my sexy, silky, expensive matching lingerie set that I wear every day under my police uniform because I’m a lady detective, and that is what ladies do.
My wife is gone for the next 3 days, so if any ladies out there want to come over & yell at me to take out the garbage & not have sex, hmu
If I had a husband, I wouldn’t give him my address. Some things should be private.
Welcome to your 40s. Time moves much faster now. Welcome to your 50s
If by hot yoga you mean crawling around on the floor of my car in 90 degree weather looking for the sippy cup that rolled away then yes I do hot yoga
I personally think YOLO is going to make a strong vernacular comeback and I’m going to personally spend this entire transatlantic flight bringing it back … and that’s when the plane made an emergency landing.
I’m sorry for the destruction I caused when my # was called at the hot dog window
imagine being 93 years old and then you’re bit by a vampire and you’re stuck being a 93 year old forever
Girl: I dumped my last boyfriend cause he always gave short answers. I never knew what he was thinking. That’s so annoying, right?
Me: Word
[ the manger ]
me: so what’s his name
mary: jesus christ
me: hey watch your language around the baby
If you wake me with a text at 5am, I will answer you because I’m helpful but the answer will be that night at 2am because I’m also vengeful.
Tax return hit so you know what that means… Yeah, I got egg money now.
I got fired from the church nursery for racing the babies.