eating red meat increases your chances of dying by 13%. i now have a 113% chance of dying.
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“1 down, 98 to go!”- Jay-Z after cleaning the gutters
The most elusive of all creatures is the camo camo camo camo camo chameleon
People who use the lift to go up one floor will be wiped out by natural selection
Breaking news:
[Sees girl watching Star Wars]
“Oh I love that movie, the way” *starts to sweat* “All those stars are at war with each other”
Apparently I’ve reached the age where Grammy, Emmy and Oscar are merely other residents in the nursing home.
Her:
Me: Am I in trouble?
Her:
Me: I’m in trouble.
Her:
Me:Bad?
Her:
Me: Bad
Her:
Me: Toilet seat up bad or wrong name during sex bad?
Her:
Me: Calling a lawyer bad?!
Her (taking out ear buds): Are you talking to me?
Me: if you strike me down, I shall become more powerful than you can possibly imagine
7-11 Clerk: look man, we’re out of hotdogs, idk what to tell you
Genie: One wish left
Me: I wish I was cool
Genie: Your wish is granted
⛄️: Wait not like this
What in the hipster hell is going on here
Subtle cannibal alert: people who call their friends “peeps” around Easter.
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Allow me to demonstrate my special technique of hearing what isn’t being said.
Wife: ugh I feel fat
Me: please take your hands off me
Having a little nap on the sofa before taking myself up to bed for my main sleep; I call that a snors d’oeuvre.
Wife: Have you considered therapy?
Me: I’m glad you think so highly of my opinions, but I already have a career
Wife: *stabs me
People say having no friends as a child is bad but if I did have friends back then I would never have invented the frisbeerang.
Think you’re smart? Try explaining daylight savings time to a kid.
no one explains why witches fly on brooms. like they could’ve gone with any household object but they chose stick. i for one would’ve gone with chair. imagine cackling across a yellow moon in a lazy boy. feet up, black cat on your lap, no splinters. just a chill time.
I’m too polite to tell you that I dislike you, but if I ever serve you kale…take the hint.
How to Be Good At Twitter
1. don’t be
2. don’t have that be your goal
3. aim higher
4. seriously, go outside or something
computer: choose a password
me: TheScarletLetter
computer: password cannot contain symbols
I’d buy a lot more exercise pants if they were called eating pants.
I’m not here to offend anyone; I’m here to offend everyone.
They say the human body is 60% water, but after extensive observation of my husband and son, I’d like to submit a revision to the data. Those two are at least 50% wind.
Sometimes I cross things off my to-do list that I haven’t done.
To remind myself that I control the list.
Never marry a girl whose mother’s name is Hope…. because ‘Hope’ never dies.
a weighted blanket is $70. I have $1400. I am about to panini press myself into incredible sleep.
Some woman at my office just said Star Trek when we were all talking about Star Wars and now our IT guy is refusing to fix her computer.