Getting my second jab today. They’re making me sign a form confirming I’ve been repeatedly told the vaccine won’t allow me to survive being fired from a trebuchet into the tree where the squirrels took my mars bar.
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The difference between pizza and love is that when the pizza ends it doesn’t send you subtweets.
Did you know a hummingbird has to consume half its body weight in sugar every day and that I don’t have to do that but I still also do that?
Just show up everyday and be consistent.
Toddlers make it easy to do that especially when they come to your room and just show up in your face, silently, at 3 am staring at you.
Daughter found the wrinkle cream and when I told her what it was for she said, “Daddy, you should use that when you grow up” so I guess my point here is maybe 4 isn’t too young for a pony.
Police: Sir, you account is hacked.
Me: Twitter?
Police: No, bank account.
Me: Oh, thank god !!
My mom still hasn’t used the roomba I bought her two years ago for Christmas because, quote, “I don’t want it to judge our house.”
If you really want to impress me with the year a bottle of wine was made, bring me one from 2024….
HIM: You know what we should do at our wedding reception?
[at the same time]
ME: Murder-suicide
HIM: The chicken dance!
I hate when you meet a new person and you like them, I mean I’m maxed out with 3 friends right now and having a 4th just seems like it’ll eat into nap time
Want to feel like a cute puppy? Follow the steps:
1: Grow curly hair
2: Wait for the petting, it’ll come
I threw a ball for my dog.
May be a little extravagant, but he looks great in a tux.
“No thanks, I filled up on breadsticks.” – Eve to the Serpent in the Olive Garden of Eden
Ahh, the joy of being the obsessively punctual guy married to Mrs. Latetoherownfuneral.
How much rent do I pay once it’s divided equally? That is the per tenant question.
Astronauts wear helmets to hide their tears when they discover the moon isn’t made of cheese.
“I just figured the ‘H’ was broken on your sign”
Nope, this is what I sell here. Now how many Doug nuts do you want?
My prescription isn’t ready, so three toddlers at this pharmacy just learned the F word.
Forgive me father for I have sinned, it’s been 25 yrs since my last confession, I sure hope you’re seated comfortably.
Me at 2 AM: I’m so tire-
Brain: Shut. Up. Do you remember how Greg in the 3rd grade wronged you? DO YOU?
Beyoncé: Ok now ladies let’s get in formation.
Ladies: Information about what?
Beyoncé: Dammit, ladies, we went over this.
ah, mercury’s going retrograde, that explains why i accidentally squandered my entire youth
I like to leave odd yelp reviews for fast food restaurants that say things like, “Not overly racist.”
I have a dog to make sure that the noises in the middle of the night are nothing serious and I have a cat to make those noises.
My job sucks but it pays the bills.
Too bad I can’t say the same things about my boyfriend.
A hop and a tag…you’re it! 😂😜😺
[doctor looking at my xrays]
doctor: this is exactly what i was afraid of
me: what
doctor: skeletons
So proud of my ancestors for crawling out of the sea and evolving lungs.
Pretty disappointed in them ever since though
“I got in a fight at Michaels over glitter glue once, so you should probably step aside.”
-Me, to a guy buying the last of my favorite wine
ME: what are those little bugs hovering around the basket of grapes?
GUY: fruit flies I think
ME: *rolls eyes* no it doesn’t, doug