The phrase “you two deserve each other” sounds like a compliment, but never is.
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Getting your shit together just sounds unsanitary
If you guys need me I’ll be strutting confidently through a parking lot toward a car that turns out not to be mine.
7yo niece, pointing at my belly: that’s your proof of baby.
Well, I WAS having a nice day.
I draw tombstones in sand at the beach beside couples who draw hearts and shit.
We don’t need people like that in this world.
me: the best things in life are free!
lawyer: again, I don’t think the bank you robbed sees it that way
you do not exist just to pay bills and die, you must also act insane on the internet
High Schools: Make sure your student gets plenty of sleep
Also High Schools: Bus comes at sunrise
waiter my bone broth tastes like a boiled bone
I’m trying to become a vegetarian so from now I’m only eating seafood.
Like lobster, prawns and drowned cows.
To whoever has my voodoo doll, stop making her go to work !
You can’t get in trouble for leaving work early if you disable the security cameras and crawl out the air-conditioning duct.
Me: Could we please have a cushion of time between Halloween and when the Christmas music starts playing?
All of retail: No.
If a tree falls in a forest and doesn’t make a sound, maybe that’s where your kid should be practicing the piano
What…what happens if the crabs learn how to read???
Do I want the coronavirus? No. Would I exploit the shit out of it with a daily vlog series titled “Going Viral” were I to catch it? The answer may (not) surprise you.
Don’t take drugs… for granted.
Losing my mind over the idea that pigeons existed before cities. Like can you imagine pigeons just hanging out in a forest? Eating bugs instead of gutter bagels? I personally just don’t buy it.
[in bed]
HER: I want you to do something naughty
ME: ok *spoils Infinity War ending before she’s seen it*
Why yes, Autocorrect, I AM driving to work in a horse-drawn cabbage.
If I see someone has deliberately parked their big expensive car so that no one can use the space next to them I will do everything I can to try and squeeze in to the spot. My record is 6 minutes of careful manoeuvring and having to exit through the boot.
“My New Years resolution is to become the guy that tries to start a conversation with you as you leave the room”, I’ve been saying to all my co-workers when they start to leave the room.
watering my plants with Mtn Dew to recreate their native environment
I just got a paper cut from a 108 yr old book so I’m sitting here waiting to turn into a vampire
My mom announced her retirement yesterday, and her boss immediately started expressing concerns about all the tax penalties she’d incur by taking Social Security “early.”
And that’s how my mom found out everybody at work thought she was 15 years younger than her actual age.
The only downside is the realization that several people at work knew how old her children were, meaning a lot of people have been operating under the assumption she had a lot of kids in high school.
Guys, please recycle. We wanna leave a better world for Betty White when we’re gone.
Sometimes I dance on my bed half naked & sing into my hairbrush…. and other days… I take my medication.
When I’m having a bad day nothing sets me off quite like trying to pull one wipe out of the container and 47 more coming with it
Resigned to my own fate, but also really hoping that fate includes Snickers bars and an 8th season of Buffy the Vampire Slayer.
Hike in groups. Bears like to have options
When a little kid starts crying at a sad part in a movie so you quickly explain it’s all make-believe to make her feel better but she starts crying louder because she just realized all the movies that made her happy are bullshit too.