Crunching numbers would be a lot more fun if they made little potato chip sounds after each equation.
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I’ll usually order the chicken sandwich. I like my food to be more cowardly than I am.
Lmao
My favorite people are the ones that like to pass judgement on others because they have obviously lead a perfect life
I love meeting people whose three kids’ names are gibberish but whose dog is named Steve.
Still waiting for the day I can illegally download groceries
The field sobriety test was going ok until I grabbed two traffic cones and did a Madonna impersonation.
[Snail Court]
Snail Lawyer: Permission to approach the bench, Your Honor?
Snail Judge: I’m sorry; we don’t have that kind of time.
Last night my son gave me a dollar and told me I was a “good guy” and I think he might be in the mob now
Went to a social event for my kid’s new school and they asked the parents to share what your friends like in 7th grade and I told them if I shared that you wouldn’t let your kid hang out with mine.
If science is so great why do we only have one vegetable on the cob
I like to keep our shades open at night to scare off any potential thieves with our mess
Banker: I understand you’d like to apply for a student loan?
Me: Yes. Preferably one that’s good at math.
Banker: What?
Me: What?
I’m really bad at portioning uncooked pasta…so if you and 110 of your friends wanna come over, dinner is ready.
My Dog: oh PLEASE please just give me a TASTE of your food just a MORSEL of that MEAL I’ve NEVER WANTED ANYTHING MORE
Me: *gives her a little bit*
My Dog: I have diarrhea
No one makes eye contact in a restroom after being “loud” in a stall.
Women because they’re embarrassed
Men because they’ll start laughing
Listerine, for when you feel like killing all 10,000 taste buds at once.
If diamonds are a girl’s best friend how come diamonds never drunkenly make out with me?
Research shows vacuum cleaners can cause hearing loss.
“You should absolutely get rid of that monster,” said one furry, panting scientist.
Left my fiancé at the altar. The relationship is over, but the human sacrifice went perfectly
If my kids & cat ever get abducted, I would have to admit to the police that I have a thousand recent pics of my cat, but, like, a school photo from last year of my kids.
I asked my 5yo why he didn’t eat all his lunch and he said he only likes his apples cut straight. I have no idea what that means.
[at a dinner party]
Me: I saw a UFO once
Wife: It was a frisbee
Me: At the park
Wife: Frisbee
Me: I took a pic
Wife: Of a frisbee in the air
Me: *shows pic*
Friend: Looks like a…
Wife: Frisbee
Well, well, well. Looks like I may have a lawsuit on my hands: a gynecologist refused to treat me, and I’m pretty sure it’s because I’m gay.
What is it like to be a woman in comedy? I would say it’s 1% jokes & 99% answering this question.
I did my spring cleaning, I now only have 14 contacts in my phone lol
Cop: please step out of the car
Me: *pulling away* suck it, cop!
Roller coaster operator: he’ll be back in 2 min 24 seconds
“23 and Me” is how Leonardo DiCaprio RSVPs for events.
The neighbor’s 5yo keeps yelling “are we boyfriend and girlfriend” across the fence at my 5yo, and my kid just came running in the house and slammed the door, so I guess that answers that
i order my girl scout cookies from several different girl scouts so nobody has a full count of the boxes i’ve eaten i don’t have time for that negativity it’s cookie season goddammit
“It’s a bird! It’s a plane! It’s Superman!”
“Nope.”
“A spider? An aardvark?”
“Wrong. It’s a horse.”
“Wow. You can’t draw for shit.”