You ever look in the mirror suddenly and think
“Damn who yelled Bloody Mary”?
You Might Also Like
[at the mechanic]
mechanic: what is the problem
me: my car
Shoutout to the kitchen knob that grabbed the strings on my pants and undid them.
Me: We do *not* spit on our classmates!
5YO: Well, who DO we spit on, then?
I miss the funny stuff my kids said when they were little.
Dad passed away several years ago but every Thanksgiving with the family all together I can’t help but think, you lucky bastard.
people complain a lot about the airport but i find it pretty hard to criticize a community that so strongly embraces breakfast pizza and sleeping on the ground
somehow a bad experience with seafood is more powerful than a bad relationship
people will go back to a toxic ex, but never eat scallops again after puking once
CW: Linda! Did you forget the boss is treating us to lunch today?
Me: *mouthful of food*
*blink blink* No I didn’t forget.
The Lion King is my favorite movie about how having a karate wielding monkey can completely change your life.
fellas is it gay to work construction? u need me to clean up a shaft?? ur gonna dump ur load where??? what size nuts do i have?? daddy chill i’m just here to werk
is nasa ok
[first day in the mob]
*leans over to mafioso* Hey, so, uhh, I’ve always wondered: are they all just named “Don” or…
Thinking about the time a guy gave me a literal book of questions that he had answered about himself as a gift, and then didn’t ask me a single one.
I only carry an old Spencer’s gift card in my wallet because I think it would be funny to get mugged and say “I hope you like lava lamps”
Maps used to say cool stuff like “Here Be Dragons.” Now they just say bullshit like “Portugal.”
Grammar: The difference between knowing your shit and knowing you’re shit.
Which cellphone carrier drops the most calls? I need to get one for my mom.
“Knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock”
“Who’s there?”
“An octopus”
[Biden runs into the oval office]
“Barack, ISIS are on the phone. They want a shipment of updog. I asked what it is but they just laughed”
Car salesman: It’ll comfortably fit 5 people
Clown: How many uncomfortably?
[commercial]
Narrator: These are real people and not actors-Actor watching the commercial: *throws lamp at TV* WE’RE PEOPLE TOO!
I’m not sure if this snake is trying to ask me a question or if he’s just eaten a candy cane.
Sometimes I regret teaching my children an evidence-based approach to life #FathersDay
I don’t think my blind date was blind, she read the menu and caught the basketball I threw at her
🤔😂😂
half the posts I see are people planning to go completely feral this summer and the other half are folks concerned that they’ll be permanently agoraphobic. I, for one, will be doing both
Him: I got 99 problems but you ain’t one.
Her: Just wait.
The noise Rice Krispies make in different languages, according to Wikipedia…
Wife: ” What’d you do today?”
Me: “Tell me what you think I did.”
A few years ago I accidentally left one of my kids at the Alamo. It wasn’t too bad, it was less than 20 minutes when we realized. The problem is now, at 17, anytime she wants something she says, “REMEMBER THE ALAMO?” and my mom guilt takes over and she gets whatever she wants.
Be a deer and get shot in the woods for me?