Started a hate list & so far I just have myself & the ladle from Jurassic park
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Cashier #1: “Can I help you?”
Me: How long would it take to get a turkey burger to go?
Cashier #1: “About 5 minutes”
Cashier #2: “Are you Tony Hawk?”
Me: yes
Cashier #1: “Do you want a turkey burger then?”
Me: yes please, and an iced tea
Cashier #1: “Can I get a name?”
Superman: Cool underwater lair. Can I use the bathroom?
Aquaman: The what?
Label: Non-habit forming
Me: Challenge accepted
*praying for world peace*
God:
women dont read this…
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…ok, guys, theyre hiding a product called “dry shampoo” from us
*As the Titanic sinks*
Bandleader: Next, we’d like to play something off our new album
Guy clinging to railing: BOOOOOOO
[my 1st day at press conference sign language translator job I lied on my résumé to get]
ME: *does Madonna’s Vogue choreography for 45 min*
I dunno Discovery Channel, if you think crabs are the deadliest thing you can catch, you’ve obviously never slept with my sister Ashley.
all the apology videos are terrible because the people capable of writing a good apology are on strike.
Me: I think I’m suffering from auditory hallucinations.
Narrator: There was no narrator.
If I say goodnight and an hour later you see me online it’s not that I lied it’s just that I failed.
Sometimes you’re the cat’s meow, sometimes you’re the hairball.
The cat seems really pissed off. He must have only had 22 hours sleep.
When I was a child, 49 seemed like such an ancient, faraway age, where people would probably totter about aimlessly and confused, forgetting everything, with parts of their decrepit body falling off. Now I actually am 49, I realise I was absolutely spot on.
Why didn’t the people in the movie Armageddon just hold up a big sheet of paper when the meteor was coming? Paper beats rock…
When it’s “buy one, get one free,” I have them put the free one in a separate bag so I don’t get them mixed up.
The reason I don’t like Facebook’s “memories” feature is because it shows me 6 years ago wearing the same shirt I have on right now.
If you hit an iceberg, you’ll know because Celine Dion will start playing
My grandparents just gave me a mint condition GameCube as a surprise because they know I love video games. They think it’s new 😂🥺
If you stop vacuuming your stairs eventually they become a snack bar for your kids.
Reasons I wish I was an octopus:
1. I could hold every slice of a pizza.
2. 8 votes at the PTA meeting.
3. Stop sign hugs.
moisten thyself and wait for me in the westernmost grunting shed
True, making your own beer can be costly and time consuming, but the finished product is just awful.
A summer getaway for women that date younger guys in the bathroom & want to learn to carve cantaloupe?
John Cougar Melon Camp
*makes eye contact with beautiful woman across fancy restaurant*
Waiter, send that woman a glass of your finest Sprite.
Tastes like chicken.
My parenting style is just spouting absurd ultimatums:
“Get your shoes on, or we won’t leave this house again for anything, ever.”
“Stop whining and walk, or I’ll donate your legs to someone who will appreciate them.”
“Turn off the TV, or I’m cancelling Netflix.”
Phone
Me: *confused* You’re still making toast?
Mom: I made toast but I knocked the plate over — but it landed right side up! The toast didn’t even touch the ground!
Me: Oh good
Mom: Then (her dog) ran & he brought it to me like a toy! In his mouth. *sigh* So I’m making toast
My husband and I are bonding over how much we hate our marriage therapist, so I think it’s working?