4: Mom can I have a snack?
Me: Yeah hang on
4: Did you mean yes?
Me: Oh shit I birthed my mother
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7-year-old: You got a letter!
Me: It’s a bill. I owe money.
7: Not if you throw it away.
She’s my financial planner now.
stages of eating a banana:
– oh hey a banana
– it’s so sweet
– so easy to chew
– I like bananas
– oh god I’m only halfway done
– how big is this banana
– I’m so bored
– will this ever end
– one bite left
– I’m throwing it away now
The roof of my mouth has had it too easy lately. I’m gonna eat some scalding hot pizza followed by a handful of granola.
While I appreciate that you’re bringing sexy back, if we’re not also discussing who took sexy away, we’re only enabling future sexy problems
Date: you’ve already made me laugh, you can do no wrong
Me: challenge accepted.
ALLIGATOR: I’m gonna eat you
ME: But we could be friends. You could be my palligator
A: Ok for that I’m gonna somehow try to eat you twice
Pet me.
More.
Yeah, that’s it.
Everywhere.
No, not there. *opens your vein*– cats
Boy. A zombie outbreak sure could get a solid foothold on a day like today, with all this tomfoolery and whatnot. Be safe out there, guys.
My 3yo surprised me with a giant loving hug and then uttered those four magic words: “I did something bad”
I fold my laundry just like everyone else. About 3 weeks after the dryer buzzes.
If you didn’t want me to object to this wedding maybe you shouldn’t have had a cash bar
I had the most impatient and rudest cashier.
I’m never using self-checkout again.
I have just planted some herbs so I am very excited to harvest one (1) tiny basil leaf in 8 weeks
Mum, that’s not a picture of Jesus
Her: I feel like you aren’t listening to me.
Me: No thanks, I’ve eaten.
I SAID TEXT ME WHEN YOU GET HOME SAFE
The young witch sat atop her brand new Roomba and flew into the air.
*bumps into tree*
*turns*
*bumps into stop sign*
*turns*
the helium shortage is only being made worse by inflation
Don’t ever mistake me for someone who hasn’t flirted with danger. I’ve got bitten by a Penguin. Twice.
Stop listening to amateur meteorologists on social media! Get your weather predictions from chonky dirt rodents this week like the good Lord intended.
4: How do you spell no?
Me: Sound it out. What makes the na na na na na na na na na sound?
4: Batman?
(Spelling is hard)
Thought I was having a good hair day. Mother Nature likes to keep my ego in check though.
She’s really good at that.
instead of valuable antiques, my mom passes down my childhood pastel poofy-sleeved 80’s outfits so my kids can carry on the family legacy of looking stupid
wwe: These are trained professionals please don’t try this at home
Me and my siblings:
If cats had a cellphone, you’d have 6,729 TikTok notifications from a video they uploaded knocking your vase off the counter.
If dogs had a cellphone, you’d have 42 texts and 3 missed FaceTime calls from when you dared to go to the restroom alone.
I’m getting $875,000 back on my tax return. I recommend everyone do their own like I do.
Attn Christian Parents: the band Kiss may sound innocent but their name is short for KISSING
[breakfast in hell]
STALIN: Toast is burnt
POL POT: Eggs are rotten
HITLER: I hate the juice
STALIN: Oh here we go
HITLER: I said JUICE
I put my phone in “airplane mode” and threw it up into the air. It just fell and now my screen is cracked.
Worst. Transformer. Ever .
[Mom group]
New mom: My six-month-old is teething.
My mom: My 30-year-old won’t move out.