Don’t fit in their boxes.
You’re not a cat.
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Coronavirus and Animal Crossing is like that one summer with Pokémon GO but like…..opposite.
I just overheard a woman tell her son “We don’t lick other people, it’s gross” and now I’m reevaluating so many choices I’ve made.
[walks into gym with my sunglasses on]
WHATS UP LADIES
*takes off sunglasses*
damn it 3rd treadmill I’ve hit on this week
Been on hold so long I can’t remember who I called. I have a credit card out and my pants off but that doesn’t really narrow it down much.
My dog turns sleeping on the edge of the bed into an extreme sport
“Awwww, that is so sweet! I think you’re outstanding too!”
me, to the collection agency
Me: Green please
God: All goneMe: Hazel then
God: Also goneMe: Blue
God: GoneMe: Whatever, just make them big
God: DoneMe: *looks down* I meant my eyes, you dummy
To me, being Single means never having to apologize..
Unless someone drops by my disgusting house unannounced
Free him
Don’t flatter yourself lady, I wasn’t winking at you. I was winking at that biscuit you’re eating.
My kid just put me in time out and I was just like oh no, I better think real hard about what I’ve done and take a nap
I’m not saying you’re stupid, but you look like the kind of guy who’d play Russian roulette with an automatic pistol.
“You are what you eat” I chant furiously, shoving another roach in my mouth. Mushroom clouds keep growing in the distance
If you ever want a bad date to end just say “you remind me of my mother.” If you REALLY want to sell it leave out the “my”
How come cats make the only sexy Halloween costumes? What’s wrong with a sexy llama or a sexy sloth or something?
Me: sorry I can’t go to the farmer’s market with you. Allergies.
Friend: pollen?
Me: hipsters.
I installed a mirror inside my fridge to make it look fuller, and now I have two empty fridges.
My neighbor is trying to organize a block party and it’s like, I think we all know each other well enough, Tall Lady On Corner.
Q: What do the back street ghosts like to sing?
A: I haunt it that way!
Netflix has the AUDACITY to ask me if I’m still watching when it knows I left the remote on the dining room table and have NO intention of getting up. Smh
My 4 year old is at his cutest when he is so proud that he managed to put his school uniform on all by himself but didn’t realise it’s Saturday morning
No thanks, ancestry dot com. I don’t like the family I’m aware of; I really don’t need to know about anyone else
Pretty sure I just did some classical ballet move as I got off the computer chair to get to the kitchen and saw a spider on my floor.
8: you can’t make me go to bed. I know karate now.
Me: you don’t say…
Narrator: Daddy-Fu always beats Karate, even though the moves are mostly tickling.
optimus prime: [doing standup] i just flew in from new york and boy are my arms tires
Dear 16, There are other ways to meet girls besides backing your car into theirs. Love, Exasperated Mom
I’ll photoshop my youngest into old pics just to make him stop crying about not being a part of the family before he was born.
Instagram better not use my cloud pics. THEY’RE MY CLOUDS GET YOUR OWN CLOUDS ZUCKERBERG!
her: i like a guy that can last long 😉
me, a piece of flavored gum: shit
“You think only God can judge you?”
*Judge Judy spins around in chair to face you*
“Well THINK AGAIN!”
*bangs gavel so hard it breaks*