I left a note for my kids this morning to put my clothes in the dryer. Next time, I’ll have to be a little more specific and add START THE DRYER TOO!!!
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Here’s how I gained 27Ibs of muscle in 5 weeks:
Lying.
Don’t forget to wash your hands and then go back to using the phone you haven’t cleaned since you got it
Water leak.
No water for 2 days.
Then the plumber cut the cable line.
No internet.
No TV.
2 stinky teenagers.Send wine and bail money.
“You wastrel” I scream after pausing to look up bad person in my thesaurus.
As per my baby book, I held my head up alone the first day I got home. I may be a lot of things, but I was no soft-necked baby.
Nothing says you don’t trust your family like pre-payment of your funeral
Juliet: O Romeo, Romeo! Wherefore art thou Romeo?
Romeo: New phone. Who dis?
Me: *opens door*
Jehovah’s Witness: Can I talk to you about the lord?
Me: Can I talk to you about my new keto diet?
Jehova’s Witness: Can we just pretend like I never knocked?
Me: sure
[doctor hooking wires to my chest]
ME: What are you doing?
DOC: Echocardiogram
ME: cardiogram cardiogram cardiogram this is a weird test
Me: *trying to fill the void with food and booze*
Fellow Astronaut: THAT WAS 12 YEARS WORTH OF SUPPLIES!
Co Worker: I’m a workaholic.
Me: Oh. My. God. He’s been drinking Workahol!!
You know what a cubicle basically says? It says ‘We don’t think you’re smart enough for an office,but we don’t want you to look at anybody.’
⭐️ LATEST SKETCH: The Met Police Investigate.
🎥 FULL SKETCH HERE:
The Five Sizes of Penises:
1. Small
2. Medium,
3. Large,
4. Oh My God!…and
5. Is that available in white??
ME: You have a beautiful home.
HER: I’m a bartender. You’re at a bar.
“Sorry for the late response” is my email signature
Duolingo getting serious.
Communists only write in lowercase letters because they hate Capitalism.
How to paint a live flamingo:
1. Get a live flamingo
2. Paint it
a bird blows up trying to match princess fiona’s vocal range and then fiona eats the bird’s eggs for breakfast. shrek was wild.
Shampoo is much more marketable than it’s original name, Shamshit.
Remember when we realized dinosaurs were really just giant birds and people were like “oh well that’s not very terrifying anymore” and then everyone who’s ever met a goose was like IT IS IN FACT MUCH MORE TERRIFYING NOW
i couldn’t figure out why i’ve had a headache all day until I heard 8 and 6 arguing about who remembered more about the emoji movie.
Don’t tell me what to do, you’re not a donut
barbecue implies the existence of a carolecue and possibly a debecue
you heard me, make the middle of my dress look like a slice of pizza
When you take that selfie, make sure your bathroom mirror doesn’t look like a small mouse had a sex party on it the night before.
Me: Where’s Ken?
3-year-old daughter: He broke up with Barbie. Then a T. rex ate him.
I pity any boy who ever dates my little girl.
Oh man almost forgot the trash
*takes trash out, a nice little sushi place*
This is great
*sees wife there with the recycling*
WHAT THE HELL
[bedtime]
SON: I want a monster story.
ME: Sure. This one’s called “The evil co-worker that reheated fish in the microwave.”