I’m installing a generous 4 minute timer on my forehead so that chatty people know when it’s time to wrap this up.
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ME: Is this chicken cooked?
WAITER: Why do you ask?
ME: Because it’s just eaten my vegetables.
I fake the art of fainting so well my favorite restaurant now refers to me as “Low Blood Sugar Girl” while rushing my limp body to a table.
If bowser kidnapped my wife, I would not be saying “wahoo” no matter how fun the jump was
The phrase “A stone’s throw” has been discontinued.
Please use “In Wifi range” from now on.
Covid eyebrows: I pet them, comb them and sometimes ask my daughter to braid them…
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: What’s your net worth?
TRAPEZE ARTIST: I couldn’t live without it
Oh, the other kind of staff meeting.
*Gets dressed.
That’s shocking!! Hold on.
*quickly draws overly arched eyebrows*
Ok. Go on.
Plot twist:
“Luke, I am your Mother.” – Yoda
doctor: your wife’s gone into labor
husband: oh no, I hate unions
Friend: Did you know that a butterfly only lives for 2 days?
Me: I think that’s a myth.
Friend: No it’s definitely a butterfly.
I need real life DIY youtube videos. I want to see the guy start to explain then be like “oh shit I forgot this part” or “dammit I got the wrong thing!” And drive to Lowe’s 47 times. Don’t give me that 4 min video Dave. We all know it took you 13 hours.
A person’s true character is revealed when the shrimp tray comes out at a party.
Me: I’m gonna make you groan!
Her: you mean moan?
Me: no, I’m gonna show you some of my tweets
Capitalism is far from perfect, but how would we find the beginning of a sentence without it?
Exterminator: I can’t do anything about it.
Me: but I’m infested.
Exterminator: look! you’re the one who chose to have this many kids.
My cat just started kneading my back in bed and I said “not now” so wish us luck we’re officially married.
Lobsters: grabby hands
Mobsters: stabby hands
Life is what happens when you’re busy choosing a filter for what already happened in life.
Maybe i’m not naked, maybe my pants are just invisible?
I don’t care what anyone says, I still think Malaria is a beautiful name for a little girl
Sorry I’m late but my goldfish needed a bath.
My dog forgot it’s mother’s day, again.
Got tazed by security for asking why is it called an airport when it’s on the ground.
When the zombie apocalypse comes and you’re in Walmart, how will you know?
ME: i don’t trust salesmen
SALESMAN: OH MY GOD LOOK OUT FOR THAT CAR
ME: oh shit where
SALESMAN: right over here isn’t she a beaut
Me: I think I broke my arm. Take me to the hospital.
That one friend: I’ll make you a tincture with frankincense & eucalyptus. Then grind some Spanish moss and nettles in my mortar and pestle. You’ll be right as rain.
Father in law: How are you preparing for the future?
Me: I buy Monopoly games in case one day Monopoly money becomes legal tender.
Good cop: I get it. You wanted an easy way out.
Laptop: Please update Adobe.