Me: “Did it hurt when you fell from heaven?”
Her:
Me: “I SAID, DID IT HUR-”
Medic: “Step aside sir”
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work smarter, not harder
I found a flea on my dog and sprayed him down with a homemade vinegar solution and now I know what pickled dog smells like.
I asked my neighbor to watch my dog for a couple of nights, as my neighbor’s a private detective & I think my dog might be having an affair.
Me, a hamster who is watching my figure, holding my babies:
“Omg someone please take these away from me before I eat all of them!!!!”
Mom: If all your friends jumped off a cliff would you do it too?
Me:If all parents used that same metaphor would you use it too?
#slapped
CHARLIE BROWN: happy thanksgiving!
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wah wah wah
CHARLIE BROWN: I cannot believe you said that that’s racist
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wah wah wah
CHARLIE BROWN: he’s not my President
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wah wah wah
CHARLIE BROWN: I am too your son
everyone make a new friend so you don’t get assigned to David
Me: Night love.
11: Did you know the snow in the Wizard of Oz was made of pure asbestos?
Guys these days will never know the anxiety of calling a girl’s home number and having to ask her dad if she’s home.
Your password must contain a character still living in Game of Thrones
******
Password expired
******
Password expired
******
Password ex…
plug your corndog into the cigarette lighter to reheat it a little bit while driving
*Weird bird sound in the distance*
4 year old: “what’s that ?”
Me who knows nothing about birds: “well that’s a juvenile red tailed warbler thing a majig calling out to its mom for a snack”
4: nods head knowingly with a head full of misinformation
Science can’t explain why your bathroom is at least 9x further away from your bedroom at 1am
I just used one of those plastic grocery dividers to let my wife know exactly where the middle of the bed is.
I hate it when people show up at MY house, knock on MY door, and then ask me why I’m not wearing pants.
My 11yo told me it was my job to entertain her, and when I protested that my only jobs were feeding, clothing and loving her she said “You didn’t read the manual did you?” And I’m like “holy crap THERE WAS A MANUAL?????”
You don’t realize how much you miss your privacy until you have a toddler hugging you the entire time you pee.
Him: Babe, I put the leftovers in a container.
Her: Is that what you’re calling your stomach now?
Who the hell invented Bull Riding?
“Hey, I’m gonna hop on that 2,000 pound pissed off animal…Time me!!!”
I’m no therapist but I’d suggest that the fact that you’ve whined about your ex here every day for a year may be why he left you.
Quit coffee and now I’m like one of those fish at the bottom of the ocean that use antennae to find their way through the dark.
McDonald’s employee: for here or to go?
Guy who was born inside McDonald’s and has never seen the outside world: what?
walk up to the mightiest oak in the forest and punch it. now laugh as you climb into its branches to let the other trees know you’re insane
is it pronounced stephen or stefan? anyways he’s now pronounced dead, sorry about your dad kid *ruffles hair*
“You take pills because you’re crazy”
“No MOM, I take pills because they make me tolerant of crazy people that don’t take pills”
If a Zombie Apocalypse happened today they’d all starve to death.
There are exactly two (2) kinds of names in DnD
1) Ephena Solancae Diuturna of Theviara II
2) Smork Dirtbag
Snow White: Someday my prince will come
Prince Charming: I swear this has never happened before
🤣😅🤣😅 OUCH!