thanks auntie mary
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what sorcery is this, the iron wasnt workin, so I took it apart put it together again got left with extra parts and screws but its working??
I grew up during the time when every home had a sewing machine but no one knew how to use it or where it came from.
Damn Girl, did you just get in a water balloon fight or are you happy to see me?
nurse: how do u rate ur pain
me: zero stars
nurse:
me: would not recommend
[cop writing me a ticket]
me: cmon can you just give me a warning?
cop: sure *leans in* warning, you’re about to get a ticket
I will straight up walk into traffic to avoid a kid selling something.
8 PM- “Tomorrow, when I wake up, I’m going to make an actual breakfast with eggs, toast, bacon, & hash browns”
8 AM- *grabs cold pizza from the fridge*
Me: *screaming*
HELP!! AHHHH! HELP! I CAN’T SEE!!Him: Are you stuck in your sweater again?
Me: *muffled voice*
Maybe.
If you use karate instead of a knife your wife won’t ask you to cut the vegetables anymore
For fun I like to stir up facebook by just posting, “The funeral will be this Friday”
You’ve said it before and I’ll say it again
-Plagiarists
Standing outside your window holding an economy-size bottle of ibuprofen above my head.
[rose from the movie titanic a couple years later sitting on crowded bus]
excuse me, can you slide over so I ca-
“NO, there’s no room”
So anyway, my mom and all her opinions are visiting this weekend
Thank you two-step authentication codes that expire after 60 seconds for providing Mission Impossible-type drama into my mundane suburban existence
❒Single
❒Taken
✔ This claim is disputed!
The French really did the “this is fine” meme.
If you see a dog by itself, check it’s collar, it might be lost
If you see two dogs by themselves, leave them alone, they’re on a date.
My husband reminding me that Heidi Klum also has 4 kids is going to be the official cause of death on his death certificate.
That heroic moment where one of your chips break off in the dip and you send another one into save it.
*Handed a baby*
Awww he’s so cute. Do you have anything quieter?
Of course I applaud when the food timer goes off. You don’t? Weirdo.
TUPAC IS DEAD
BIGGIE IS DEAD
AND ME ALSO I AM FEELING NOT SO GOOD
Her: Tell me what you want
Me: A burrito
Her: No!! Tell me what you want in bed
Me: Oh! *gets in bed* a burrito
marriage counsellor: so what’s the problem?
me: i don’t know
my ‘friend’: i’m tired of you trying to keep our marriage a secret
giving all the dogs in my neighborhood matching sweaters for Christmas so they can be in a gang
Husband: Did you just change from one set of pjs to another?
Me:
H:
Me:
H: …you look great
I wear Lacoste shirts with the little crocodile on them because when shit goes down I want crocodiles to know that I’m on their side.
Writer: So this movie is about a little girl and her dog and…
Disney: Her parents die. Brilliant.
Writer: No.
Disney: Just her mom?
Writer: No.
Disney: Her dad?
Writer: No.
Disney: So then who dies? The girl? The dog?
Writer: Nobody dies!
Disney: Get out.
3 things in life are certain: death, taxes and me not actually working past 1 pm on a Friday