Friends come and friends go.
Just make sure to hang on to the ones that think you are funny.
And the ones that bring beer.
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All I have ever wanted from a yogurt is to know who the cows are.
Look on the bright side, parents. At least you have an excuse not to take your kid to Chuck E. Cheese’s now.
Parents please check your children’s Halloween candy this year, I just found a Godzilla in a candy bar and this is just so dangerous.
I was really happy when Miss 10 came in especially to see me when I was feeling unwell the other day. She looked at me and asked is the cat in here and left.
My girlfriend told me I was getting sex today. Oops. I better not jinx it.
*knocks on morning wood*
For somebody who ate their twin in utero I sure am a fussy eater
Lawyers are good at twisting words but not as good as drunk me when I’m explaining where I’ve been.
I have some cake and now I’m eating it too. Not seeing the problem here.
I didn’t say I don’t believe in god, I’m just asking if he has any control over the powerball
My dog always pees against trees when we walk through the neighborhood
I do it one time and now I need bail
My dogs keep looking at me as if I have the power to fix the snow outside but I’m too goddamned lazy to do it
*agrees with someone online* Yeah, I agree.
*disagrees with someone online* YOU’RE NOT JUST WRONG YOU’RE HITLER AND I HATE YOU FOREVER
The endless handkerchief trick, but it’s me removing a tampon.
So a baby crawls across the floor to its bottle and it’s cute but when I do it I’m “in need of an intervention”?
“Have a seat”
*Turns on video of son eating pizza with a fork and knife.*
“Dad I…” **Dad puts up hand* “Please don’t call me that.”
[robbing a bank]
I would like to withdraw everything (narrows eyes) illegally
Turns out if you don’t click “turn in” when you’re done with your assignment on google classroom, you won’t get credit for doing it.
– my 11yo, genuinely shocked at this discovery
An old white man in a beard bestowing gifts from the sky? Please.
[presses every button in elevator] here’s how Michael Bay ruined the ninja turtles
what’s wrong, babe, you’ve hardly played your juitar
What I thought was happening: a coworker handed me my vape bc I left it laying around
What was actually happening: my coworker was showing me her new vape which neither of us knew looked exactly like mine
What I did: said “oh thanks” and put it in my pocket
ME: *reads mac & cheese box* Stir cheese sauce every 5m to keep creamy
[4yrs later]
ME: *still stirring every 5m* Please.. I have a family
My original account got suspended for aggressive behavior and they haven’t even seen me in bed yet.
[At gym]
*steps onto treadmill*
Fitbit: Whoa, girl, you sure about this?
If you heard twenty minutes of moaning from my bedroom that was just me trying to stand up.
Shoutout to my upstairs neighbors who wrestled a large moose last night
TEACHER: do you know what estimate means
STUDENT: not exactly
TEACHER: yes you are right
STUDENT: about what
TEACHER: also correct
STUDENT: …i guess
TEACHER: wow you really know your stuff
It’s like the people in this restroom don’t even want my help unbuttoning their pants.
STOP RUNNING AWAY I JUST WANT TO HELP YOU
5 things I hate:
-complainers
-list makers
-hypocrites
-people who don’t finish what they start