So are these single women just throwing themselves against walls as they masturbate?
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You guys realize “business up front, party in the back” is only about mullets, right?
You can tell a lot about a person
by his hot dog stand orderI knew the guy was a Buddhist when
he said “Make me one with everything”
In hell, you have to watch my son fold laundry.
I have no problem feeding my kid something that fell on the floor, so I get it, restaurant employees.
Taught my grandmother that “Jabroni” means “fine young man” and it’s made our time out in public way more interesting.
Why hang Wanted posters in the post office? We’re not crime-fighting crusaders. We’re buying stamps.
i’m just a girl, standing in front of a fan, talking into it so i sound like a robot.
judge: what do you have to say for yourself
scooby-doo villain: i was legally startling trespassers on my own private property and was wrongfully arrested and imprisoned by a group of high teenagers
judge: oh damn
“Do not touch” must be one of the scariest things to read in braille.
Some people just want to watch the world bake at 350° for 45 minutes.
If everything gets better with age, explain why this dead body keeps smelling worse and worse
I’m going to go to the gym and then to eat a Doritos Loco Taco, because I like to keep my body guessing whether or not I hate it.
ME: Whatcha doin?
WIFE: Watchin Dune.
ME: I asked you first, Sharon.
oh you’re bisexual? name every man and woman
the fbi, studying my kidnapper’s proof of life photo of me, notice a morse code message of mustard stains across the front of my shirt that says: ‘we’re out of mustard’
Disgusting if literal: Liverpool
I can’t believe it’s so cold I have to wear gloves inside. I mean I’m not even robbing anything or trying not to leave fingerprints
I’m calling about the poster for your missing cat. Why not ask the guy who took that picture? Just kidding, I ran over it.
The dinner I made tonight wasn’t great. Luckily it only took 2 hours to make, cost $83 in ingredients, and needed multiple pots and pans.
*draws a line in the sand*
*looks at the line in the sand*
*decides that it might be time to vacuum*
me: they’re having a retirement party for my coworker
my father, an immigrant: what’s a retirement party? you mean a funeral?
America’s national mascot should just be a drunk white girl typing on a shattered iPhone.
Sorry I said you and your husband look related.
[i sweetly pet a wild baby deer in my lap] aww this is so boring
AT MY FUNERAL:
My old school nurse: *throws an ice pack and a cracker into my coffin* That should help.
Me, whispering to myself: When it’s time to party, we will always party hard.
Bought a “Best Moments of 2021” magazine and the pages were blank
Good morning, here are some ABBA songs that could also be about Mario:
• Mamma Mia
• Money, Money, Money
• Super Trooper
• Name of the Game
• I’ve Been Waiting For You
• The Winner Takes It AllPlease let me know if there are any more.
Wife : The neighbours are banging on our front door again.
Me : Why can’t they do it in a bed, like normal people?
I wish airlines would stop apologizing for being delayed. I’m an adult, I know you don’t give a shit. I’d rather read “ehh some shit happened, it’s gonna be late”