A family of crows flying into a windmill is a murder suicide
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It’s been about 3 years since my last drink and I’m still hungover.
Teachers are getting ridiculous with sending out homeschooling projects.
We have an English and History assignment due in two days and we don’t even have kids.
Every man was once a man trapped in a woman’s body.
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me: *turns on garbage disposal*
Her: *starts talking to me*
Weird old lady in the elevator complimented my thongs. I was disgusted. Hours later that I realized she was talking about my sandals.
So I met this hooker who said she’d do anything for ten bucks .
Guess who got his yard cut?
I was on a date with a girl and she said “did you notice my finger nails?” And I was like “yes” and she was like “well I have no arms”
doctor: i’m sorry but you only have a few more years left to live
me: oh my god. you’re lying
doctor *shows me a chart of global warming* i am not
Him: why doesn’t anyone want me?
Me: I want you.
Him: why doesn’t anyone else want me?
ME: Got here as fast as I could! I have the anecdote!
HIM [dying of snakebite]: Please say you mean antidote
ME: Funny story! This one time—
On Valentine’s evening I usually stay in and watch a romantic movie. You know, like American Psycho.
Adulthood is like the vet, and we’re all the dogs that are excited for the car ride until we realize where we’re going.
Kate who dumped me at junior school now wants me to like her interior decorating Facebook page.
How the tables have turned Kate.
I dig, you dig, we dig, he dig, she dig, they dig…. Its not a beautiful poem, but its very deep.
One of the toughest things about being single is not having anyone around to nag you to buy new underwear.
On tonight’s episode of Catfish, Cathy finds out she’s been in an online relationship with a pineapple.
“You get a Bible! You get a Bible! You get a Bible! You all get Biibbbllleess!!!!
~Poprah
REASONS TO KEEP A WRITER IN YOUR HOME
• they know weird facts
• they’re low maintenance because all they do is eat and write
• great for midnight chats because they don’t sleep
• if they have to edit they’ll procrastinate by cleaning your whole house
Misery loves company. But not you. Even Misery has standards.
I haven’t had a boyfriend in so long I’m down to my last hoodie
I reply to “Happy New Year” with “not if I have anything to do with it.”
Well, this explains it:
My kid was very impressed with herself for selecting the pink scented garbage bags, which is interesting because I was unaware that she even knew how trash worked
Poor Charles. Imagine being 73 years old and getting your first job.
[speed dating]
Her: Nice to meet you
Me [on meth]:
I HAVE MISUNDERSTOOD THE SITUATION
Judge: The jury finds the defendant guilty.
Me: Nooooooooo.
Judge: Again, you’re the plaintiff.
Me: Haha. Oh yeah.
I’m so glad we could finally reconnect after all these years because I’d really like your help on my virtual farm.
If only we’d had some kind of warning that a pandemic would pandemic.
One thing I’m really good at is turning $1500 into $4.72
First rule of flight club…no penguins.